I found out I was pregnant with Isabella on 8/23/2000. I had been dealing with the suspicion for 3 days. With my history, I knew if I took a test and it was positive, that it would all end soon. I'd already had 9 miscarriages. I wasn't sure I could deal with another. I also knew that the time couldn't have been worse for a pregnancy or a miscarriages. I was emotionally out of control. I just couldn't deal with it.
I met my lovely and awesome Dr. Rick during this time. He came into the room to help the resident that was doing my physical. While assisting her we got to talking. (Tony was out of the room.) After hearing my hystory during that 30 minute physical, he immediately moved me into the high risk group (his group) and told me to buy baby aspirin on the way home and take one daily. Well, having been a nurse, I naturally had questions about this. He informed me that he was as sure as he could be without the blood test results that I had APS. He said once he got the test results in, he would call me to discuss blood thinners in more depth. I immediately went home to read up on this syndrome. That was his first lesson in dealing with me. Over 5 years later, he still remembers the results. When he called, I discussed things with full facts and knowledge. He wasn't too used to having an informed patient. His uppers had decided that while my history warranted me taking the baby aspirin, it did not warrant the Heparin. Boy, we all would live to regret that. Her due date was set for April 19, 2001. Sometime during the first few weeks of this, we realized that Tony, his sister, and Dr. Rick all went to the same high school.
We had our first u/s peak at the grape on 9/5/2000. I couldn't help but find it incredibly amazing. I'd never seen that beating heart thing before. My u/s were always either empty or silent. Not her, her little heart sounded like a hummingbird. She was dubbed the grape that day because when asked how big she was, that was how Dr. Rick described her size to Tony. I realy treasured getting to watch him fall in love with his little girl. I look back and truly understand how naive I was, and how happy and blissful I was. I had yet to understand what a mentally stressful pregnancy was.
We had our first big level II ultrasound on Nov 19. Our stubborn brat absolutely refused to show her gender. We had what we thought was our last Christmas as non-parents. It was pleasant. The only real problem I had was during Midnight Mass. We sat under the choir. Bella would jump every time she heard the bells. Whenever she would hear her Nana's voice singing though, she would get still and gently sway. I cried my way through that service. I know it is supposed to be about rejoicing in the birth of Christ, but I couldn't stop thinking about how Mary must of felt when her son was on the cross.
During January, on the 25th, Tony and I got married. We eloped to Little Rock. That was the city we met in the first time. Tony and I had both gotten terriblle colds. I spent the morning of the 23rd in L&D, having mild contractions from dehydration. My parents met us back at our apt on the 26th to help us pack as we were moving the next weekend. That was the first time our parents had met. Talk about stressful!
I was finally comfortable with being pregnant. Well, as much as I ever could be.I had trouble at first getting past the issue that I had a parasite living in me and moving around. I loved bath time. That was the only special time I felt I had with her. I would turn on the warm water and relax with my feet up, reading. We had a game where she would kick the book I was reading and I would poke her. It really came across as if she were saying, "Hey mom, pay attention to me." Once she got a little attention, she would then usually settle down. She loved being able to really stretch out when I was laying down.
Tony and Bella already had a special relationship. Even if other people were touching my belly, me included, if his hand touched it, she immediately would move to his hand and curl up under it. He could come in the room and my belly would shift towards his voice. At night, to get her to settle down, I would curl up against his back and she would snuggle up to him and sleep.
After we moved, one of the first rooms I got set up was the nursery. It was so pretty. We had gotten a stroller, were debating on cloth vs. disposable, breast vs. bottle. We had no clue how soon we would have it decided for us.
We went for one of our final checkups with Dr. Rick on 02/01/2001. We had asked him if we would be getting another u/s before birth. He said not until delivery time, when they would just do a quick, final position check. When we both looked so disappointed, he gave us a peek. We found out that day that it was a girl. We officially named her that day. We started weekend childbirth classes on 02/03/2001. They were fun, even if I did find myself thinking enviously of how naive some of these people were. I know she was still alive at this point. We had our second and final class on the 10th. I feel pretty sure she was still alive then, but I don't remember. I was still sick from the cold I had in Jan, and still not feeling well.
I made dinner the night of the 13th. I remember as I bent over to take something out of the oven that I got a sudden, blinding headache. You know the kind where you can't see for a minute? Well, I had been looking into the light over the stove, and figured that was the problem. I couldn't even walk the 10 feet to get the tylenol before it was gone. I didn't think much of it. I also had some mild swelling the day before. I was sitting at work the night of the 14th when my coworker pointed to my feet and asked about the swelling after I commented that my feet hurt. When I looked down, I got scared. There had been rain all day. I remember my shoes were wet. I remember Tony dropping me off in front of the door because it was hard to walk into the building from the parking lot. I remeber I had signed up to work as much over time as I could stand. I remember on the afternoon of the 15th feeling a really sharp pain, to the point I had to put my caller on hold, on my right side at about 3:30. I called the resident on call, and she said to monitor it for a while. When I got home that night at 11pm. I had thrown up violently before work that morning. I remember being upset because I'd only stopped having morning sickness at about a month before. I called my mom at 12:30, telling her how I was feeling. When I told her I had only ever seen that kind of swelling on people who were in the final stages of something before dying, she made me call the doc. They said to come on in and get checked. I think they thought I was exaggerating. It took 2 hours before we could get to the hospital. It was raining so incredibly hard.There were times I thought we would die the roads were so flooded.
When we got there, they asked when I felt her move last. That was my first real thought that something might not be well. (I have a healthy sense of denial.) After they tried to find her hearbeat with the dopplar and couldn't, they called for u/s. The resident that was taking care of me that night was too afraid to do the u/s. I knew then. I sent Tony out of the room to call his parents to tell them things were going bad and we needed someone to come. The charge nurse sat down by me, holding my hand. The resident that came in to do the u/s was a bitch. I have never met someone so rude in all my life. She had no sensitivity. The charge nurse was talking to me, trying to get information from me before all hell broke lose because she too knew. The resident actually told me, "Ma'am, shut up. This is very important." The charge nurse's mouth fell open. Before anyone could say anything, I literally shoved that bitch off my bed, told her to never, ever come back in my room. I told her and everyone there that we already knew the baby was dead, it was obvious from what we had already seen on u/s. I also told them that she was not to come back in my room, even if it was to save my life. I still hold with that conviction.
I was started on Mag Sulfate by IV, given Demerol, started on cytotec, and began my version of hell on earth. When I had been admitted, my blood pressure was recorded as being 165/107. It went up from there. That was one of my lower ones for a few days. No one was really ever sure how I escaped HELLP syndrome, but I did. I refused an epidural. I really wanted to experience it all. I never felt true pain. Just pressure, really, really intense pressure. I never reported pain any stronger than my normal menstrual cramps. I did find out that I have rather severe nausea and vomiting with Demorol, and said I would rather hurt than take it again after the second dose. I promptly got an order for Stadol. At 9:38, I started complaining of pressure with the contractions. At 9:50, I started pushing. At 11:21 pm, my beautiful baby was delivered. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was the one of the most magical, beautiful things I have ever done.
I am still debating on putting her picture up. I have had problems with this in the past and am rather sensitive about it now. I hope to eventually get some touchups done on one of my favorite pictures of her and also a drawing done. Maybe, just maybe, I will put them up then. For anyone that finds themselves thinking how odd this is, ask yourself this. When your favorite relative, grandpa, grandma, or even friend died, did you put all of their pics away? NO, then why should I?
