Moments Of Sanity

I forgot to mention earlier that in the last week I have lost 7 lbs. Hopefully, with the increased activity, increased meds, and the fact that I am eating way, way less this will continue. Although I really hope not quite this quickly.

I promise myself that I will do at least 30 minutes (2 miles) of walking. I also promise to do a full 30 minutes of yoga. I plan to do the walking tomorrow/later today before Tony goes to work. I plan to do the yoga tomorrow evening after the kids go to bed.

I promise to do 30 minutes of aerobic activity a day, every day. I also promise to do some sort of yoga type activity every other day, possibly more if it helps the fibro. 

I have not done so well on the weightloss. It really sucks that I have gained back all that I lost, with no change in eating habbits. I stopped walking after the snake incident. It’s all my own fault. I am suspicious though that it has to do with the female problems I have been having. Hopefully I will get some answers tomorrow. I really don’t want to go though. The bleeding has stopped, so I am thinking about waiting until we get back week after next. I will probably go tomorrow.

I have to make some changes. I did well with Weight Watchers. I don’t know why I am fighting going back to doing it. I am tired of the way I am.I am hopeing when I start losing again, that I lose it in the same places I gained it…..in my boobs. It’s not as if I had actually wanted to get larger there. I can certainly afford to lose some there. It comes back to the fact that I could possibly eat whatever I want, as long as I take my metformin and exercise.

I give up. I am totally going back on Weight Watchers. It worked the last time. The only reason I got off it was because the kids had a birthday and there was all that damned cake. And yes, I do believe I will go to hell if I throw cake out. Especially birthday cake. Fortunately, none of the birthdays between now and the twins usually has a cake.

I am giving myself through the week to remember how to do it. Then, I am going to start it this weekend. I am also going to start walking again tomorrow. I think I need to start doing that in the mornings. It’s just too hot in the evenings. I am also thinking I may start cooking dinner in the mornings, and then doing a much lighter, cooler meal for true dinner time. That will help with the eating problems too.  

I have gained all the weight I lost back, except for 2 lbs. That just can’t continue. I can, I will, I am going to lose the weight.  

I realized today that I have completely stopped walking. I can’t pinpoint any specific moment or event that played into it, but I did stop. This isn’t something I do just for excersize, it plays into my sleeping, my pain, and my weight loss. If I don’t walk, I hurt. If I hurt, I don’t sleep. If I don’t sleep, I hurt even more. See, a definate pattern. Add to that the fact that I have also stopped losing weight, and the not walking thing is a huge problem.

What made me realize this? Well, the fact that I took more Flexaril this weekend than I have taken in about 6 months combined. There’s also the fact that nothing is really helping the pain. And then there is that I am so exhausted that no amount of sleep will help.

The hardest part of having Fibromyalgia for me has been remembering to move when it hurts. That’s not a natural thing for me.

I still occasionally find myself wondering how often/how much pain I would have each month if Rick had gone ahead and taken the remaining ovary during my hysterectomy. He was willing to if I had wanted it. My rheumatologist couldn’t give me any real guidance. He shared that he had patients that said it got better after, some that said worse, and some that said no difference. During the first few months after surgery, when my ovary wasn’t functioning fully, I did have less pain. However, I was also moving a good bit, trying to keep from getting too stiff and sore from sitting. With surgeries, I always want to get up and get moving long before the doctors and nurses want me to. I would have been up long before they had me up with the c-section and the hysterectomy if I could have talked them into it. With the c-section I did have to wait on getting feeling back though in my lower limbs.  

I have to start walking again tonight. It’s the absolute last thing I want to do when I hurt like this, but if I can walk through the worst of it, it gets so much better.  

I can’t get to sleep though. I have a sore throat, ear ache, and a headache.  I also can’t seem to make my brain shut off. Not much of a surprise there, I have been on medication to help me sleep off and on since I was 13.

AJ has developed a bit of a problem. We had already started seeing discipline problems from him. Over the past 2 weeks, with this week being the worst, his energy level has risen to the point he is the poster child for ADHD. Torie is exhibiting some of the same behavior, but we can’t tell if she is just following what he is doing, or if she is having problems herself.

He is never not into something. Usually, it is the very thing that he just got time out/spanked/yelled at about. He really most of the time can’t seem to remember getting into trouble about it not 4 minutes before. We are seriously about to start having much, much more structured days around here, and really increasing the discipline. I can’t even go to a friend’s baptism tomorrow, all because of AJ’s behavior.

Tomorrow/today promises to be busy even without the baptism. The kids have a birthday party to go to, and I still have to get wrapping paper. I also need to hit the bookstore for a particular book. Sometime, I have to finish the grocery shopping.

I am looking forward to having a few days to myself at the end of this week. I hope my sister in law is up for 3 days with the wild child and his sister.

Well, I am firmly located on the scale under the evil number. I am doing pretty well with this. I was only able to go about 1.5 miles at any point this weekend. Thank you Flexaril. Hopefully tomorrow I will be back at least to 3 miles a day, hopefully 5. I am still a little muscle fatigued today and decided to just rest.

I have had writers block of late. I have plenty to say, but the words seem to fall over each other and only make sense to a dyslexic ADD person  such as myself. I have plenty of drafts though.

I knew getting back on my glucophage (meds to help my insulin resistance) would help. I should have known when working my ass off and nothing was happening that something was wrong. I finally went to get my meds refilled. I can already tell a difference. So far so good. I actually slept last night. I have also managed to drop a solid 3 more pounds!

We had a great 4th/anniversary. For me, it isn’t just about the nation’s independence, it is about mine. It was the day, that my ex finally started getting the message that I was done. That was the day I officially moved away, 500 miles from everything I knew. Had I not, I would probably be dead. We didn’t see fireworks that first year, but I always think about how I saved my own life by getting the hell away.

We met up with my SIL and took the kids to a small water park. We then had lunch, and then went to the mall to hang out for a while. A little bit later, we met up with friends and watched the fireworks. All in all, it was a peaceful day, something I needed. It was a chance to reflect on all that I have, all that I have survived, and those that I love. It was really fun watching the kids enjoy the fireworks. (AJ calls them bireworms—-we still have a few speech issues we are working on.) He woke up this morning telling me about them, and all the colors he saw. He even reminded me we heard my absolute favorite song "What A Wonderful World".

Speaking of his music, Happy Birthday Louis Armstrong! 

The only real problem I had yesterday was that I forgot to take underwear with me, and since I don’t leave the house without a bra, I ended up spending the day wearing my bathing suit under my clothes. This became a real problem by the 4th time I had to pee.

I hope everyone had a restful a day as I did.  

I am really frustrated with myself. I keep trying to channel it all into workout energy rather than getting depressed over it. I suspect within the coming month I will start to see a difference. I got back on the antidepressant and my glucophage. (I didn’t realize I had stopped taking it. This might explain the plateu I am on.)  The glucophage always helps with me with weight loss if I am working out. I am going to make this happen this time. There is nothing in my personality that fits this body. I am going to do this. I find it embarrasing to admit this when people comment about me having had twins, but I only gained 8 lbs with them. OK, it was actually 16 but then I was on insulin that last week with them and lost 8. That was a net gain of only 8 lbs. I actually put this weight on the first year because lets face it, I didn’t have time to breathe, much less cook or eat right. I put only 18 lbs with Isabella that I never lost, and then kept gaining during those first few months. I did start attempting to work out after the twins, but with the first couple of crunch managed to give myself a hernia. Add to that, I have had 3 abdominal surgeries in 3 years didn’t exactly make it easy to get or keep weight off.

I am ready. I am going to make it happen this time. I am no longer in crippling pain from either female stuff or from the joint pain. I do have some joint pain still, but that is a motivator if I catch it in time. Most of my best times/distances are when I hurt. I thank God every day that I found that rheumatologist.  I almost throw up when I think of how bad I would hurt right now if I hadn’t walked last night. I have to spend some time today on arms because they are stiff and hurting. I also have to figure out when to work some time on the excersice ball into my day.

I am still stuck on that song.  Actually, it is one of several that I can’t get out of my head. Freudian slip or not, it is catchy and really just hangs out in the head for a while. I have yet to meet anyone that doesn’t like it. Even Torie likes it.She sings it in her most southern accent, at the top of her lungs. I have to be very careful though because the rest of the CD is not remotely age appropriate.

I hurt my knee Wed evening. Fortunately, I had already done my 2.5 mile walk for the day. I spent most of yesterday with it under a heating pad. I was unsure if I would be able to do my walk, and was pretty sure I wouldn’t be doing the 3 miles I was hoping.

All I will say about yesterday is it was mentally and emotionally exhausting. I thought I lost a good friend, but maybe not.

The song holds true for me……tequila really does make my clothes fall off.   You can also add headache, truth serum, and nausea to my list of reactions. Oh, and too loud according to AJ.

I did manage to walk 2 miles though. I am beginning (slowly) to see my energy level increase. That’s good because I am not getting the sleep I need. The cycle should hit soon where I either totally stop sleeping, or I collapse.

I am supposed to be leaving for a quick trip to Houston any minute. I am tired and hungover. I should be just full of fun for my companions.