Moments Of Sanity

I am dong some work on the business site at the moment. I was listening to one of my playlists when "Cowboy Take Me Away" came on. That song came out when I first started to plan my move to Dallas. It has kind of always been special to me. Today, I found new meaning in it. Right as I hear the lyrics, "I want to grow something wild and unruly" I hear AJ in the living room yelling, "Woohoo!". I think that boy definately qualifies as growing something wild and unruly.

I am really frustrated with myself. I keep trying to channel it all into workout energy rather than getting depressed over it. I suspect within the coming month I will start to see a difference. I got back on the antidepressant and my glucophage. (I didn’t realize I had stopped taking it. This might explain the plateu I am on.)  The glucophage always helps with me with weight loss if I am working out. I am going to make this happen this time. There is nothing in my personality that fits this body. I am going to do this. I find it embarrasing to admit this when people comment about me having had twins, but I only gained 8 lbs with them. OK, it was actually 16 but then I was on insulin that last week with them and lost 8. That was a net gain of only 8 lbs. I actually put this weight on the first year because lets face it, I didn’t have time to breathe, much less cook or eat right. I put only 18 lbs with Isabella that I never lost, and then kept gaining during those first few months. I did start attempting to work out after the twins, but with the first couple of crunch managed to give myself a hernia. Add to that, I have had 3 abdominal surgeries in 3 years didn’t exactly make it easy to get or keep weight off.

I am ready. I am going to make it happen this time. I am no longer in crippling pain from either female stuff or from the joint pain. I do have some joint pain still, but that is a motivator if I catch it in time. Most of my best times/distances are when I hurt. I thank God every day that I found that rheumatologist.  I almost throw up when I think of how bad I would hurt right now if I hadn’t walked last night. I have to spend some time today on arms because they are stiff and hurting. I also have to figure out when to work some time on the excersice ball into my day.

I am still stuck on that song.  Actually, it is one of several that I can’t get out of my head. Freudian slip or not, it is catchy and really just hangs out in the head for a while. I have yet to meet anyone that doesn’t like it. Even Torie likes it.She sings it in her most southern accent, at the top of her lungs. I have to be very careful though because the rest of the CD is not remotely age appropriate.

I am tired of being a good girl.

I am going through Netflix picking movies for my queue when I realized something about myself.I generally tend to gravitate towards one type of man. It isn’t about looks, ok, well hardly ever. It is totally about personality. There is always something dark about the personality, be it an actual person or a character in a movie or book. That really seems to draw me, and I don’t know why. In analyzing this, I realized that the darkness is quite often anger. This quite probably would somewhat explain how I have let myself get into some not so great situations and relationships.

The women that tend to attract me don’t generally have the darkness. Well, minus Angelina Jolie. It is the darkness in her that grabs my attention. I am not sure what interests me in the women that attract me. There is an earthiness and raw sexuality to them, but most don’t have the underlying anger like the men.  They also usually have a softness to them, but try very hard to be strong.

Both of these ideas explain much about what I seek from anyone I am involved with. With men, there is an inner strength. There is also that anger. (I have to keep thinking on that seeing as I don’t quite understand it.) Men are the ones that I usually will  expect a certain level of control from at all times. If I don’t sense that the control is there (toward themselves and I) I usually have backed away. Almost always, the males in my life are at least 4 years or more older than I. I did once date a younger guy, but it was never, ever serious. I simply don’t have the patience to deal with younger. The 2 times I didn’t, I got badly burned and lost a great friend in the process. The women are usually not expected to be that self controlled. I usually don’t allow them much power in my life either. I don’t generelly find myself interested in women more than 5 years from my age either direction. Women older than that tend to mother me which drives me absolutely batty. If I wanted a mother in my life, I would go visit the one I already have. The same is actually true towards men, but they are usually more willing to let me be who I am. That is probably the one reason I have always gravitated toward men more than women.

I generally don’t go for people with less experience/knowledge than I already have. Well, for relationships anyway. The only exception to that has been Tony. Because of the chaos my life was in when I met him, he really soothed my soul. He has also always been very willing to learn and to new ideas. And no matter what knowledge or experience is present, there must always be a willingness to learn and an openness to new ideas.

Good grief, this sounds like a personal add. Which is a definate clue I need to get back to other things now.  

My SIL has a tendency toward these "Huge Revelations" that the rest of the family responds to in a collective voice, "Well, Duh." She is almost always surprised that we already knew that.

I have one of my own moments now. I just realized that in my own, perverted, odd way, I am a bit of an adrenaline junkie. Just not in the same way many of the people I know will admit to.  

 I got this from one of my boards. 

Please raise your Big Toe and repeat after me…..

Just a friendly reminder, it’s that time of the year again.
Please raise your BIG TOE and repeat after me: As a member, I pledge to follow The Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

1. I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

2. I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

3. I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

4. I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

5. I won’t wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend/co-worker/mother/sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

6. If a strap breaks, I won’t duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it — no matter how much it hurts.

7. I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl’s if my feet need him.

8. I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids’ sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat, and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

9. I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

10. I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/co-worker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes look like they’ve been dragged behind her car on the way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

11. I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

12. I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $20 and worth EVERY penny). I say spend another $20.00 and get an even better one.
And finally. . .

13. I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear…….nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals!

For all our sakes, please don’t keep this to yourself.

So I kinda accidentally weaned myself off of my prozac. I didn’t realize it until a few days ago. I can’t help but realize that during this time, my sex drive has soared. Not necessarily a bad thing. The big quiestion….did it happen because I got off the med? I don’t know. It was improving before then, but it hit an all time high since.  I have 3 major concerns. 1. Unlike Tom Cruise, I don’t think depression can be cured with vitamins. Am I at a point that I can control my manic episodes without meds? I don’t know. 2. I got on the prozac specifically because of my fibromyalgia. This specific antidepressant has been shown to help with it. Can I keep the pain under control enouh that I don’t need the antidepressant? 3. My sex drive is stronger than it ever has been. I really am not sure what to do with myself. Is this a manic phase? Is this the result of being fairly pain free in more years than I care to admit? I have no idea. I would like to ride this particular episode out for a while anyway and see where it takes me.

Can my marriage survive me being off the antidepressant? I don’t know. The only other time in 2 years I got off the stuff, I was begging to go back on by the time Tony finally piped up and said something. I really thought I was going insane. I saw results within a week of getting off the med. That was Zoloft. I am on a different one now, Prozac. I am on one of the lowest doses. Apparently all it takes is a very low dose. While it doesn’t keep my manic phases totally normal, it does make the highs less high, and the lows much, much less low. It just takes the razor sharp edge off my feelings. So far, I haven’t had much more pain. Some, but not much. Not enough to make my decision about medication for me.

Time will tell with all these issues. I don’t believe there is any rush to decide. In the meantime, I will enjoy the sexual high and see where it takes me.

Tony is on board with this idea (what make wouldn’t be?) I secretly believe he avoided me last night for the first time in our relationship. If that is the case, may I recommend anyone reading this buy stock in energizer?!?!  This is really the highest my drive has ever been. I really am not sure what to do with myself. I feel like  the ground after a severe drought when there is a  sudden storm. It is as if I am flooded, trying to absorb all the water, but can’t. I am in shock.