Moments Of Sanity

I haven’t got much to say at the moment. I am simply juggling all those balls of daily life. Not much really going on here at the moment really.

My kids are as cute as ever, although I came as close as I ever have to losing it with them this morning. I am not a morning person by any means. I was stumbling around, making breakfast and coffee when it suddenly registered that Torie was incredibly pale, almost dead pale. I called her over to me, and when I touched her every texture/skin sensitivity issue I have screamed at me. She felt nasty! I can’t stand the feel of plaster, chalk, etc. She was covered, from head to to, in some sort of stuff. I went into their room to try to figure it out. At first, nothing seemed unusual. I realized I needed to look for some sort of powdery stuff. I made myself really see the room, and quickly figured out the problem. Sometime before they fell asleep, someone managed to climb into the top of the closet and get out this plaster handprint kit. The kids then decided that it was "flour" and proceeded to play in it. It’s a real shame they didn’t make me a xanax laced cake because I completely lost it.  AJ’s bed of course was nice and neat, no mess there. Torie as usual had it all. over. her. bed. and. the. floor. I can’t decide if AJ was involved or not. I think so, because I remember trying to figure out what a couple little spots were on his shirt that I didn’t remember last night. Torie was literally covered in the stuff.

I never, ever touch my children in anger. I do spank, but not when I feel anything more than calm. I have a very quick temper, and a very strong temper. I just refuse to get into the situation of having to wonder if I was too rough with them. I try to not spank, but it comes down to that sometimes. I am currently working on my Love & Logic stuff again, hoping to decrease the spanking even more. It has it’s place, but not  my preferred method.

That was all background to explain why I waited almost 3 hours before touching my children at all this morning. I was honest with them about why I didn’t want to be around them. I was clear that they would be in trouble over the stuff, but that for now, mommy was so mad she needed a time out to protect them. I finally put them in the tub at 10.

Of all mornings for this to happen. I only slept 1 hour night before last. I slept about 1 hour before Tony got home last night and then about 2.5 this morning before the kids got up. This makes an already non-morning person even nastier. I generally find myself grumpy and angry in the mornings. I just hate waking up. It usually doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, I hate to wake up. I get angry about it, and am not aware enough to prevent it.

This morning is a prime example of why I am pretty sure I am going to go ahead and tell my doc I am ready for the anti-anxiety med. I am scrared witless over this, but I really think it’s time. It’s been 15 years since I last took one, but I still crave it sometimes. My doc is well aware of all this, and is willing to work with me on it. I do refuse to take the same one I used to take, but am willing to try anything else he recommends. The most obvious choice is really to change my anti-depressant to try to get better control of the anxiety and panic attacks, but it works so well for the fibro I don’t want to mess with it. Maybe the doc will have some ideas.

I am an idiot. I couldn’t figure it out. I am tired today, unexplainably tired. While sitting here contemplating my evening medication I realized why. The thought came to me that I was kind of achy. I then thought that when I took my evening meds that I should take something for pain. I couldn’t figure out why I was in pain. I mean I have been exercising lately, and doing all the things I should. Right after I thought that, I had a flashback to this morning when I went to take my meds and realized I had forgotten to take my Prozac the past 2 days.

How stupid can I be? I know good and well if I don’t take it I will hurt. Even missing one dose and I will feel some pain. Why do I do that to myself?

Oh well, tonght I take my pain meds and sleep like I am dead. 

Really, I need a nap today. 2 more hours until twinkie bedtime!

I am trying to figure out why it is that not only am I picking up kids toys and clothes and crap, but I am having to move furniture in order to get to the empty beer cans, reciepts, and food wrappers?

I have done some cleaning, waiting on laundry to finish so I can fold it. I am absolutely exhausted, but am feeling great. I don’t know what the hell is in these new vitamins, or if I took an extra dose of prozac or what, but I am HAPPY! While I am tired, I have energy. I haven’t felt this good in so long I don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe it is the sex. I just feel like all is right where it should be for now in my world. I hate everyone I know isn’t experiencing this, but for now I know I have made the right choices for myself. Having a ton of fun music downloaded onto the laptop isn’t hurting my mood any.

I spent an hour on the phone with my dad tonight (while cleaning actually) and I am so damned homesick.  I can’t wait to see him at Christmas. I just know I am going to come back with a seriously thick southern drawl. That should make my hubby happy.

4 years ago, I had no idea that I was half way through the last pregnancy I would ever have. I had no clue I would be giving birth in 14 short weeks. I had no clue about the way my life was about to change. I would soon be entering the hospital after losing weight during thr pregnancy for IV nausea meds and fluids. I was dehydrated and having contractions. I was terrified I would lose the babies. While I lived each day trying to enjoy every movement, I spent some part of the day mentally figuring out how to bury 1-2 more babies.

I love my ob/gyn. I also think his wife is pretty damned awesome. I know how much time he gave to the twins and I, and how much time it took away from his family.  

I haven’t taken my muscle relaxer in months, for many reasons. I find it too easy to take one every night. I also hate the long term side effects I get from it. I usually spend the next day to weak to do anything. It isn’t a real solution to the problem, just a temporary fix.

I took half of one last night. I could tell I would have trouble sleeping, and I was already having a light level of joint pain. The two combined are a definate recipe for severe pain. I had spent the evening walking at the mall, so I didn’t want to overdo it by walking more. I took some aleve and the Flexaril, took a hot bath, and then went to bed. I went to sleep pretty easily last night. Tony let me sleep really late this morning.

Between all of those things, I am feeling great! I do find myself slightly hungover this afternoon, but I am feeling so much better. I actually feel rested, something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Now I have to work up the strength to get a few things done around here today.  

I have to make sure I walk tonight after the kids go to bed. I hurt, and there is only one real way to make it better and keep it from getting worse.

I have started another flare up of fibromyalgia. The fog started today. So far, the pain isn’t too incredibly bad, but it could get there easily.

Counting the minutes until Tony and I have marital harmony. We should get our high speed internet by noon Thursday.  I have the router ready and waiting. They just have to come hook it up. By that night, I will not be quite as tied to one area of the house as I am now.

I didn’t get all the chores done this weekend I had wanted to, but I got enough done I am not going to be miserable this week if I can only do a small amount.

I have been trying to figure out just what the problem is with my kids. I know plenty of other people who can nap while their kids are awake. Why can’t I? And really, the problem isn’t so much the kids, but me. I have always had trouble sleeping when they were awake, no matter how tired I am. I used to have them trained so that when my pain got severe and I had to take pain meds they would sit on my back and watch tv or "read" while I slept off the worst of the med effects. As they have gotten older, it has become less and less. I have gotten a handle on my pain overall, so there has been significantly less that they see me sick. I have a bad feeling I may end up sleeping off the fog some this evening while they are awake. My pain isn’t that bad, but that stupid fog is there.

I have not done so well on the weightloss. It really sucks that I have gained back all that I lost, with no change in eating habbits. I stopped walking after the snake incident. It’s all my own fault. I am suspicious though that it has to do with the female problems I have been having. Hopefully I will get some answers tomorrow. I really don’t want to go though. The bleeding has stopped, so I am thinking about waiting until we get back week after next. I will probably go tomorrow.

I have to make some changes. I did well with Weight Watchers. I don’t know why I am fighting going back to doing it. I am tired of the way I am.I am hopeing when I start losing again, that I lose it in the same places I gained it…..in my boobs. It’s not as if I had actually wanted to get larger there. I can certainly afford to lose some there. It comes back to the fact that I could possibly eat whatever I want, as long as I take my metformin and exercise.

This is in response to Tertia’s post about tiredness. I am aware that CIO (Crying It Out) is a touchy, not for everyone subject. Believe me, I didn’t agree with it when I started out on this parenting gig either. I actually stopped seeing a doctor that recommended it. If I had only had a single child to deal with, I don’t think I would have done it. I didn’t have a single child though, I had twins. I don’t attempt to ever encourage someone to CIO unless I have an idea that this person is absolutely desperate, and then they have to bring it up. Quite honestly, I believe there are better ways, especially if you start them at the beginning. However, I was young and stupid, and didn’t know better, and therefore didn’t start the better ways early enough. Since there was no going back, I moved on, and adapted my thinking. Mostly, because Tony and I were both losing our temper…….with the kids, each other, other people, etc. When I lost my temper to the point I actually had to put my kids in their cribs, turn the monitor on, and go walk around our complex in order to cool off, I realized then, something had to change immediately. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I ried the gradual method. Things don’t work that way with my kids. Nothing we have ever done was gradual, starting with labor and now including potty training.

I started CIO at nap time. I spent a great deal of time crying it out myself. I did our bedtime routine, put them to bed, and sat just outside their room crying my heart out. Once they learned to sleep at nap time, I started on bedtime. I swear that AJ cried for 3 hours several times. I quickly figured out that every time I went in to "comfort" him, it made everything worse. So, again, I would do the bedtime routine and then go sit outside their room crying. You know what, they actually did learn to sleep through the other kid crying. If something is really wrong, they can sense it in the other and they will either wake up or fuss in their sleep. For general things, the "I don’t want to sleep" they will almost always sleep through the other kid’s crying.

We have had to redo the CIO thing numerous times. Almost always, it is either because of an illness (when they are sick, the sleep rules don’t apply) or because as parents we have deviated from the sleep routine in some way. Then, we have to start all over. It kills me every time. I still end up sitting by the monitor crying. I just can’t help it. I can’t handle hearing them cry.

One of our biggest mistakes has been giving them milk or water at bedtime. They are now using as a sleep aid. Without it, AJ has trouble going back to sleep at night. *sigh* Since we are seriously beginning to do battle over the potty, I have to stop this now.

One of the key factors for me in deciding to CIO was when I read this book. I grew up with sleep issues. I still have them. By nature, I am a night shift person. I function best then. I always have, and suspect I always will. I never had a clue on how to get myself to sleep until I was 14 and started therapy and learned self-hypnosis. I didn’t learn the importance of adequate sleep until I started having joint pain that was later diagnosed as Fibromyalgia. I also learned at 18 that children/people with ADD also have sleep disturbances, and that they may even contribute to the ADD. I grew up having night terrors, and am one of those lucky adults that still has them. I was a kid that slept with my parents. I still, to this day, have trouble sleeping in bed by myself, especially at night.

I figured out that it could be argued that enabling your child to not learn how to sleep or go to sleep can be compared to neglect. Sleep affects so incredibly much of our lives, in ways we don’t begin to realize until we aren’t getting enough. If you are one of those parents who can handle your kid sleeping with you, good. Due to the incredible pain I have, I couldn’t handle that at all. None of us slept well when we tried that.

My advice for any new parent………..routine. No matter what sleep method you use, they all work better with a pre-bedtime routine. Almost every single sleep book I have read (And I have read almost all of them) encourages that bedtime routine. My first recommendation is never CIO.  The first book I recommended is great. The newest one, the one for toddlers doesn’t seem to work as well. I actually use a combination of the two ideas, the no-cry solution and the healthy sleep habits. It is what works for us. Neither method was ideal alone, but together, it’s perfect for us. You have to find what works best for you and your family. There is no one perfect sleep method for all.

I realized today that I have completely stopped walking. I can’t pinpoint any specific moment or event that played into it, but I did stop. This isn’t something I do just for excersize, it plays into my sleeping, my pain, and my weight loss. If I don’t walk, I hurt. If I hurt, I don’t sleep. If I don’t sleep, I hurt even more. See, a definate pattern. Add to that the fact that I have also stopped losing weight, and the not walking thing is a huge problem.

What made me realize this? Well, the fact that I took more Flexaril this weekend than I have taken in about 6 months combined. There’s also the fact that nothing is really helping the pain. And then there is that I am so exhausted that no amount of sleep will help.

The hardest part of having Fibromyalgia for me has been remembering to move when it hurts. That’s not a natural thing for me.

I still occasionally find myself wondering how often/how much pain I would have each month if Rick had gone ahead and taken the remaining ovary during my hysterectomy. He was willing to if I had wanted it. My rheumatologist couldn’t give me any real guidance. He shared that he had patients that said it got better after, some that said worse, and some that said no difference. During the first few months after surgery, when my ovary wasn’t functioning fully, I did have less pain. However, I was also moving a good bit, trying to keep from getting too stiff and sore from sitting. With surgeries, I always want to get up and get moving long before the doctors and nurses want me to. I would have been up long before they had me up with the c-section and the hysterectomy if I could have talked them into it. With the c-section I did have to wait on getting feeling back though in my lower limbs.  

I have to start walking again tonight. It’s the absolute last thing I want to do when I hurt like this, but if I can walk through the worst of it, it gets so much better.