I was reading a blog earlier today who is having marital problems. She found an article that made her think. She included part of it:
"Every marriage has its disagreements, and we all argue about the same handful of issues (mostly money and kids, followed by housework, sex, in-laws, jobs, and time). That doesn’t matter. What matters is how you argue. And if the pattern is destructive, it will surely kill a marriage. Bad feelings will crowd out good feelings, until each partner feels like this: An opportunity to be with you is a chance to be hassled instead of loved and supported. That’s the tipping point, when things turn sour."
I remember feeling this way before I married my ex. I definately felt this way after I married him. I never, ever felt like I could make a decision that was right for him. No matter what or how I did things, it was always the wrong way. I never did enough, nor was I enough. I don’t mean sexually, although it certainly applies.
When we started dating, I was too skinny. When I finally managed to gain weight, I was ugly and fat. I didn’t do dishes the way he liked, I didn’t sweep, mop, fold clothes, make the bed, dress, etc the way he liked. I tried changing early on to make him happy, but it didn’t. It just made him stop respecting me because he knew I would turn into a doormat. This is very similar to the relationship I felt I had with my mother. My friends and family watched in horror as I lost who I was, simply to try to make him happy. The more I changed, the less he liked me at all. And forget love and respect. And in all fairness, how could he? I didn’t like, love, or respect myself anymore.
It’s funny that when I finally found those things in myself, my ex couldn’t get enough of me. That’s not to say everyone who’s experiencing the paragraph above is doing so because of the same reasons, but I do think it factors in.
Somehow in all that insanity, I found someone who does like and respect me as I am. Not just a spouse, but numerous friends. Yes, Tony and I both go through periods where we feel like nothing we do is enough for the other. We almost divorced because we both felt like that at the same time, for several years. I was refusing to change to make him happy, and he refused to change because he didn’t feel I cared enough, so why should he? I finally decided to change not for him, but to make me happy. Once again, I found that I didn’t like, love, or respect myself anymore. This was all due to becoming a mother. After almost losing my husband, I changed. I did it for me, no one else.
I have no advice for anyone. I can only talk about my own experiences.
With my ex, I finally figured out that I shouldn’t try to change anymore for him. I had to decide who and what I was, and work on myself. I owed it to myself to have self-respect. I owed it to myself to set limits and boundaries in how I let others treat me. As a parent, I feel I owe that to my children too. How can they learn to set boundaries for how others treat them if they don’t see me doing the same? I grew up with parents who were so desparate for a "stable" home, that they never fought with each other in front of us. My brother and I always knew when they were having problems though. They both talked to us about the problems way too much. I never ever believed that if they divorced they would be the parents they said they would. They already talked badly about each other in front of us, I had no doubt that would either continue or get worse. My mother lied and hid things from my dad, leaving me with the impression his temper was incredibly bad, and that he was potentially dangerous. I can count on one hand the number of spankings I got from my dad btw. My dad, in his rants about my mother’s behavior (when he inevitably found out) fed into the way she acted. To my knowledge, he never touched her except in love. The really ironic thing that I have learned as an adult……they both behaved that way because they were terrified of conflict with each other and of losing the other. They will do anything in order to prevent losing the other person.
Neither of us knew how to resolve a conflict. The result……I married someone originally who only fought, who didn’t have any clue about peaceful resolution. My brother………he will turn 22 next month and still lives at home with the parents. While I embraced conflict, he runs from it.
My ex and I never, ever fought fairly. We always called each other names, completely tried to destroy the other in an attempt to win the arguement. There was no way to get out of the arguement without conceding defeat, and telling the other person they were correct. Tony and I rarely get into true yelling, screaming matches. We almost never call each other names. We work hard not to demand the other person admit to being wrong. Heck, we don’t always apologize. Sure, we get angry and/or frustrated with each other. But one or both of us will walk away when it gets to the point we are about to get nasty with it.
Before we actually moved in together, he got to hear a fight with my ex. It was one of the worst, with me literally screaming hysterically at my ex. Tony later admitted he almost called things off then. We talked about the fact that I truly had no clue how to fight constructively and respectfully. He has worked hard with me to help me learn. While I still sometimes forget, while I have one particular friend who can make me forget as fast as I can blink but whom I adore, I still am much nicer than I used to be. I have noticed lately, after our last really nasty fight, that the friend and I have both started to argue and disagree with each other in a much more respectful way. I think we both realized how much we hurt ourselves and each other. I am having to struggle daily to not teach my children the old bad ways of fighting. I pray daily I stop the insanity with me. Logically, I know it won’t. At the very least though, I hope I can make the insanity less with them.
