Moments Of Sanity

You know, for someone who is actually pretty smart, I can be really dumb. I realized something yesterday. While sick, I started potty training the kids. For some reason, it seemed to work for me to do it right then.

As I emptied the little potties for the 50th time yesterday it suddenly made sense. The one parenting job that has overwhelmed me isn’t that freakin’ hard. Yes, I will be the first to admit it isn’t easy. It certainly isn’t fun. (Although there are definately some funny moments.) However, I used to do the exact same job as a nurse. We didn’t call it potty training, we called it bowel and bladder training. I have had a total of 16 patients on one 12 hour shift all on training at once. I can certainly handle two 4 year olds. (Them being older has it’s benefits.) The whole emtpying the potty, putting kids on and off, all of that, is exactly like when I was nursing doing an intake & output on a patient. I don’t know why the idea of doing something for 2 people that I used to do with 16 flipped me out so badly.

The entire twin thing has always become easier the second I simply instill a little self-discipline and put us all on a schedule. It sucks. I like being able to do whatever I want when I want. Sometimes I just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that not only did I procreate, but I did it in the "by two’s" method. Just like a daycare, just like a nursing home, I have to quite often deal with the twins by keeping one hell of a strict schedule. They are such better natured, happier, content children when they are on one.

You know what? The simple fact of how it affects the kids means it has the exact same effect on me.  

I think I am winning the war, but not too sure. We have had a few accidents. There was the moment when I told Torie to go sit on the potty, she said no, and promptly peed on herself. There was also the 5 minutes I finally couldn’t hold it any longer myself, went to pee and came back to a massive flood. Both kids were dancing in it, so I had no clue who’d done it.

AJ loves wearing pants. He won’t take the underpants off unless he messes them up. Torie has completely embraced nudity. She is my child. AJ, my sensitive, anal retentive baby, has to have clothes on. Air touching his unclothed body seems to equal time in a torture chamber. He is firmly convinced that being without clothes is cruel and unusual torture. I guess this is what happens when your husband freaks the hell out over you letting the kids run around nude in the summer inside the house, or when he comes home and they only have a shirt on.

This has actually been less problematic than I expected. While I can not remotely call it fun, entertaining, or well, anything I really want to do, it has been ok. It has also helped me learn more about my children. That is always valuable ammunition information for the future.

One question though…..how the heck do I decide if the hyperactive boy is just moving or if he has to pee? 

Yes, there is about to be a ton or potty talk on here. Deal with it or go read somone else. My life is about to be fully consumed with pee and poop and preventing it from getting on my furniture.  

The kids went to bed in these all in ones. Both kids woke up dry. Neither kid wanted to sit on the potty, but did anyway. Yes, I may be screwing up, but believe me, I know my kids. They will go to kindergarten in diapers simply to win the battle with us. They are stubborn. I have seen for a while now that they have the control, they just don’t want to do this.

They woke up at 8am. Torie finally peed, in the potty, at 9:20. AJ has yet to go and it s 9:45. Torie is currently toting a lollipop (no captain, no blowpops…..they are mine) around. She has yet to actually put it in her mouth. I find myself grateful on 2 levels. The first is that it is entirely too early to have sugar. The second is that she very purposely picked the blue one. This is the boy’s favorite flavor. Since he won’t pee, he doesn’t get one until he does. He’s playing pretty well at the moment, but I keep catching him shooting his sister dirty looks. This is usually right after she proudly announces, "A blue lollpop." "It’s mine." after putting it under his nose.

Yes, I am not discouraging this. Nothing motivates that child more than seeing her get something and him not. Yes, we are having delayed potty training. Ironically, the ones who complain to me the loudest have been the ones most noticeably absent from our lives after I mention they are welcome to do it themselves if they have a problem with this.

My children have always pushed me. They have always made every single thing a battle of wills between us. I always try to do thing the "proper" way, the "best" and "easiest" way. It never works. Brute force seems to be necessary with these two. Looking back, this seems to have been the way since, oh……conception. Then, there was the whole staying in vs. delivery. They won that one. Not much I could do there.  Then there was the whole breathing issue. We finally won that one, but only after the kids took their breathing tubes off themselves when no one was looking. Then there was eating. Looking back, I should have just starved their little asses until they were willing to breast feed. Instead, I gave into the pressure and let them have a bottle. There was the walking issue. Torie tried for a few months, with AJ watching. Finally, at 13 months, he stood up, let go, and took off. Next there was the bottle vs. sippy issue. It took me giving them sippies of milk and bottles of water. After about 2 days, they finally chose the sippy of milk. I thank God we never really got into the pacifier habit. Then, there was the sippy to open cup. I finally just threw all the damned sippies away. Nlow, although we can drink from an open cup, we really prefer straws and sports lids. I am willing to compromise on the issue.

I have tried the slow, gentle, child led approach to potty training. I am comfortble in the knowledge that if given their way, they will go to school in diapers. I know, they can never put another pullup or diaper on doing it this way. I am also aware that one day I will have to take the potty chairs and throw them away. Cold turkey seems to be the only way to go. And it is definately the way we are going.

Please, send tequila. And yes, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. When I finally get them trained, and it’s time to put the tequila away, I will stop cold turkey. Again. Until then, I may very well be getting hammered every night. Yea! Complete and total embarrassment via drunken blogging. But also one very happy husband. 

I am currently working on a Christmas letter to my kids that I will post when I get it done. My mom used to do them for my brother and I, and I still treasure them. Actually, my mom did them for our birthdays, but I am usually just too damned emotional then. Instead, I am doing them at Christmas. Until I get finished with it, I will probably be pretty quiet.  want to have this done before we leave or I won’t get it done.

We are going home for Christmas to MS. I may be a raving lunatic who buys out all the tequila in the area after we get back (maybe even while there.) I dread the drive, but we are planning to do most of it at night both ways, so that should make it easier. We are taking the DVD player also, so that should help too. Worst case scenario, there is always benadryl. They should come back appropriately spoiled. I should come home a little less homesick.

Last night we put the Christmas tree up and decorated a little. We still have the outside lights to put up. Here are a few pics for those interested.

It was fun, even if I did have a hard time getting into the Christmas mood this year. We put on Christmas music. We argued with the kids who wanted to put my very pretty, but very fragile glass ornaments on the tree. It was actually fun.

I do find it funny how much Tony is getting more like his dad every day. It comes out in these little family moments.  

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays! 

I am dong some work on the business site at the moment. I was listening to one of my playlists when "Cowboy Take Me Away" came on. That song came out when I first started to plan my move to Dallas. It has kind of always been special to me. Today, I found new meaning in it. Right as I hear the lyrics, "I want to grow something wild and unruly" I hear AJ in the living room yelling, "Woohoo!". I think that boy definately qualifies as growing something wild and unruly.

AJ and Torie were born 12 weeks early. I thank God every day that it was only 12 weeks. It was very close to being 16 weeks. I can’t believe they would have faired as well if that had been the case. As difficult as our journey was, the experienced nurse in me recognises just how easy we had it compared to many babies that were there with us. I remember feeling somewhat bitter as I watched healthier babies come in and out while we were there. I remember feeling heartbroken for the parents and the babies that were there before us and had to watch us leave.

If you want to read about our experiences, you can read the condensed version here, and the full journal I kept during the time in the NICU here.  To read more about prematurity and what you can do to help, go here.

I never let myself even think about the fact that they could be born early. I was struggling too much to even grasp that I was pregnant, and then the fact that it was twins. When I went into labor the first time, I didn’t focus too much on it. I think part of me felt like the other shoe was finally falling. I didn’t stress much over the concept of them being premature during the pregnancy. Them being born alive was so far removed from my reality. I was fortunate that I had a doctor that saw all potential problems, and was prepared for it. 

Never in my wildest dreams did I let myself picture a future that included two almost 4 year olds that are so damned healthy and happy they are rapidly driving me crazy.  

5 years ago today, I was in the hospital for dehydration that was causing me to have contractions. (No, I didn’t really realize that was what they were, I was just sick from all the puking)

One of the few things I liked about being in the hospital was that I actually went a period of about 48 hours without throwing up. Of course, I was also getting IV nausea meds around the clock along with fluids for hydration. I loved that I could call the nurse and get to hear hearbeats whenever I wanted. I also loved that Rick gave me frequent ultrasounds.

I had no clue what was in store for me not 3 months ahead. I had no idea that I would soon be giving birth. I was so preoccupied with keeping them alive inside me, I never let myself deal with the premature labor issues. Thank God I had a doctor who was looking at the big picture and did consider it. I also thank God every day for letting me find that doctor. I also thank God for his wonderful wife that encouraged him to follow his instincts where the twins and I were concerned.

That same doctor still can’t figure out what he did wrong to have to help Tony procreate. They did not get along in high school at all.  

I realized this morning when putting shoes on the kids that they needed new socks. I go through this every year about this time. They spend the spend the summer bare footed or in sandals, then they suddenly need new tennis shoes. It isn’t until after I have bought the shoes and start to put them on them that I realize they need new socks.

The cleaning out of the sock drawer always leads me to realize that I desperately need to clean out their closet. I detest  doing that because it always leads to a huge pile of stuff. I also hate trying to figure out if something that should be too small actually still fits. They are small waisted so can actually still wear some of the smaller stuff. I am seriously tempted to just get rid of everything smaller than a 3T and being done with it.

The part that really sucks………I had planned to do all this while the kids were visiting my parents in Oct. It’s not easy to do with them underfoot. I can’t exactly do it while they are sleeping because they are asleep.

While they aren’t mentally ready to be seperated, I am finding myself ready to have them in different rooms. It would make so many things easier on me, such as laundry and to some extent, cleaning. I guess I need to suck it up and deal with it a while longer though. The time will come when they want to be in different rooms, and then we really can’t go back to sharing except when we have guests.

One of the next challenges I am going to tackle is potty training. Once I get well, they are totally going to do it. I may be a raving alcoholic by the time I am done, but it’s going to happen. I am tired of this crap. 

My babies are growing up. 

Tertia had a very though provoking post today. Go read it, it is very good.

All done? Good, because I want to discuss my thoughts now. I have such a mixture of feelings about my children growing up. The first thought is…… are they still living here? The second thought…..I never want them to leave. I do need to add, this was written on what already at 9 am promises to be a rough day with the kids. I also have to add that I wasn’t prepared for parenthood. I never, during those 7 years of infertility and losses let myself even hope to have a living child. I was so focused on getting and staying pregnant that once the kids had been home for a few days, I suddenly realized, Oh hell, they are here now what do I do.

Let me back up and say this. I suck at single parenting. My husband balances me out in the parenting department. I have never for one second doubted that he is a great father. I have had my issues with him as a spouse, friend, and lover at times, but never about him as a parenting partner. If he and I ever divorce, or something happens to him, my next partner has much to live up to in that deptartment.

Now, having said that, I have to say, I couldn’t wait for that first year to be over. My ex-MIL was an identical twin. Her mother ran off when they were young. I never understood that until I had twins. It definately colored my view of things. There were some really, really dark moments for me that first year. I adored my children, but I sure the hell wasn’t having any of those "It was all worth it" moments. I was pretty sure I had died and gone to hell. I was so busy, I don’t remember much at all about that first year.

My kids definately had personalities from conception on. I was lucky. I got an ultrasound every single doctor’s** visit, about every 2 weeks. When I spent that month in the hospital, I got to see them  about every other day. In order to keep me calm, he was always ready with the wand. I know that was as much for him as I. I spent a great deal of time simply laying there hooked up to monitors listening to heartbeats. There was also more than once that Rick or I one called the other and said, "I need to see/hear them, the DBT’s* are getting to me. I learned that my daughter loved to sleep, and was stubborn as hell. My son, I learned, was very active. He was agressive even in utero. Torie on the other hand showed her passive/aggressive tendencies (thanks to her father) just as early on. She also showed she wasn’t going to put up with crap even then by literally kicking her brother in the head every time he sat on her face. AJ showed his lack of patience with the world by screaming at being taken out before his body was even delivered. Torie on the other hand showed she liked where she was by having to be forced to cry.

Both children showed a strength from the moment of birth on that I suspect will serve them well throughout life.  I will forever more be awed by the strength they have shown throughout the first months and years of life. They amaze me at how resiliant they are. During those first weeks and months, we learned quickly how independent Torie is, while AJ needed reassurance that he would be taken care of.

I can’t wait to see how my children continue to evolve and develop and grow. Yes, I have moments of sadness that my babies are gone. I had to deal with the fact that I had already missed out on the baby time of their lives. I had to get over that and move on. While they test me some days with every breath they take, I love watching who they develop into.

I wonder if the reason I never really thought of them as an extention of us was because of my issues with my own body and it’s lack of functioning in regards to pregnancy? I never had it in my mind that they were part of me. Even with Bella, the similarities between pregnancy and a parisite and host were all too evident to me. Add into that the fact that my body routinely treated my children as hostile inhabitants, and I am not surprised that I mentally saw them as seperate from me. When they were born so early, I really saw them as seperate individuals. In fact, it always comes as a little surprise to me when they do something or look so incredibly much like Tony or I.

I don’t find myself with much sadness at all anymore as I look towards the future with my children. I love watching them develop and grow, and I look forward to seeing how they change the world.  I do find myself a little afraid to let go of them. It has more to do with being afraid of not being able to protect them from the evil in the world. I find myself occasionally thinking about my babies growing up, but those same moments usually have to do with thoughts of never seeing Bella grow up.

*DBT is dead baby thoughts for those who haven’t experienced that less than pleasant side of pregnancy. 

**I always have to do a plug for my ob/gyn when I talk about my kids. Without him, without his patience, dedication, and faith in himself and God, I wouldn’t have those children. I truly owe my children and my own life to that man. He took as good a care with me as he would have his own wife. He always looks at my children with the same sense of pride, love, and amazement that I do. Were he not still my gyno, he’d probably play an even more active role in their lives.