Moments Of Sanity

I haven’t got much to say at the moment. I am simply juggling all those balls of daily life. Not much really going on here at the moment really.

My kids are as cute as ever, although I came as close as I ever have to losing it with them this morning. I am not a morning person by any means. I was stumbling around, making breakfast and coffee when it suddenly registered that Torie was incredibly pale, almost dead pale. I called her over to me, and when I touched her every texture/skin sensitivity issue I have screamed at me. She felt nasty! I can’t stand the feel of plaster, chalk, etc. She was covered, from head to to, in some sort of stuff. I went into their room to try to figure it out. At first, nothing seemed unusual. I realized I needed to look for some sort of powdery stuff. I made myself really see the room, and quickly figured out the problem. Sometime before they fell asleep, someone managed to climb into the top of the closet and get out this plaster handprint kit. The kids then decided that it was "flour" and proceeded to play in it. It’s a real shame they didn’t make me a xanax laced cake because I completely lost it.  AJ’s bed of course was nice and neat, no mess there. Torie as usual had it all. over. her. bed. and. the. floor. I can’t decide if AJ was involved or not. I think so, because I remember trying to figure out what a couple little spots were on his shirt that I didn’t remember last night. Torie was literally covered in the stuff.

I never, ever touch my children in anger. I do spank, but not when I feel anything more than calm. I have a very quick temper, and a very strong temper. I just refuse to get into the situation of having to wonder if I was too rough with them. I try to not spank, but it comes down to that sometimes. I am currently working on my Love & Logic stuff again, hoping to decrease the spanking even more. It has it’s place, but not  my preferred method.

That was all background to explain why I waited almost 3 hours before touching my children at all this morning. I was honest with them about why I didn’t want to be around them. I was clear that they would be in trouble over the stuff, but that for now, mommy was so mad she needed a time out to protect them. I finally put them in the tub at 10.

Of all mornings for this to happen. I only slept 1 hour night before last. I slept about 1 hour before Tony got home last night and then about 2.5 this morning before the kids got up. This makes an already non-morning person even nastier. I generally find myself grumpy and angry in the mornings. I just hate waking up. It usually doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, I hate to wake up. I get angry about it, and am not aware enough to prevent it.

This morning is a prime example of why I am pretty sure I am going to go ahead and tell my doc I am ready for the anti-anxiety med. I am scrared witless over this, but I really think it’s time. It’s been 15 years since I last took one, but I still crave it sometimes. My doc is well aware of all this, and is willing to work with me on it. I do refuse to take the same one I used to take, but am willing to try anything else he recommends. The most obvious choice is really to change my anti-depressant to try to get better control of the anxiety and panic attacks, but it works so well for the fibro I don’t want to mess with it. Maybe the doc will have some ideas.

I am an idiot. I couldn’t figure it out. I am tired today, unexplainably tired. While sitting here contemplating my evening medication I realized why. The thought came to me that I was kind of achy. I then thought that when I took my evening meds that I should take something for pain. I couldn’t figure out why I was in pain. I mean I have been exercising lately, and doing all the things I should. Right after I thought that, I had a flashback to this morning when I went to take my meds and realized I had forgotten to take my Prozac the past 2 days.

How stupid can I be? I know good and well if I don’t take it I will hurt. Even missing one dose and I will feel some pain. Why do I do that to myself?

Oh well, tonght I take my pain meds and sleep like I am dead. 

I am really glad I took the muscle relaxer last night. I woke up this morning unable to raise my left arm. I can only imagine how I would be if I hadn’t taken it. I can’t lift anything with that arm without it hurting. I don’t know if this is fibromyalgia or rotator cuff damage. I do know this is some of the most intense pain I have felt in a long time. Fortunately I have a rheumatology appointment next week. Although I may temporarily need something stronger. This is almost a burning pain, like something is ripping.

Gee, pain after a day I forget to take my meds on time and after I get really bad news. What a surprise. I did actually expect it. I took preventive measures last night. I walked a little, but not my normal 5 miles. More like 1 mile. I just wasn’t expecting to wake up with my shoulder hurting like this. I will be having an early night tonight with more meds. Hopefully sleep and medication will help.  

It is definately getting to the point where we will have to separate the twins. I am having to spend about an hour at bedtime breaking up fights. Poor AJ would gladly try to go to sleep earlier if Torie Anna would simply "SHUT UP!". He alternates between asking her nicely, begging her, and screaming it at her. She, the passive agressive little shit that she is, loves to irritate him while trying to not go to sleep. What happened to my child, the one who thought sleep was better than food?

We already have a double bed in the guest room. We do have to finish the walls. We had started stripping the painted wallpaper off that the previous occupants had left up, but didn’t get done. We have to finish that, repair the wall, and then paint. We need to redo some painting in the other bedroom, and redo the wood floors in there. We are getting a king size waterbed for our room and moving the queen into the other kid’s bedroom.

I suspect it will be easier to move to big beds and out of toddler beds if both kids have a big bed. Our friends are looking to get rid of their waterbed that is in storage, and this seems perfect. I am curious as to how the waterbed will affect my fibromyalgia. I have to sleep on a regular mattress with extra pillows in certain areas in order to be comfortable. The waterbed (if I remember correctly) should naturally fit into those areas and support that way.

I had a waterbed in high school and college. My ex and I had a waterbed for several years. I loved it. I don’t knwo how Tony will like the bed. I know he has slept on one before. It will definately take some getting used to again, but I can’t wait.

AJ and Torie have already informed us exactly how they want their rooms decorated. AJ wants Buzz Lightyear and Torie wants a princess room. I haven’t figured out yet if I am willing to do that.

I promise myself that I will do at least 30 minutes (2 miles) of walking. I also promise to do a full 30 minutes of yoga. I plan to do the walking tomorrow/later today before Tony goes to work. I plan to do the yoga tomorrow evening after the kids go to bed.

I promise to do 30 minutes of aerobic activity a day, every day. I also promise to do some sort of yoga type activity every other day, possibly more if it helps the fibro. 

I haven’t taken my muscle relaxer in months, for many reasons. I find it too easy to take one every night. I also hate the long term side effects I get from it. I usually spend the next day to weak to do anything. It isn’t a real solution to the problem, just a temporary fix.

I took half of one last night. I could tell I would have trouble sleeping, and I was already having a light level of joint pain. The two combined are a definate recipe for severe pain. I had spent the evening walking at the mall, so I didn’t want to overdo it by walking more. I took some aleve and the Flexaril, took a hot bath, and then went to bed. I went to sleep pretty easily last night. Tony let me sleep really late this morning.

Between all of those things, I am feeling great! I do find myself slightly hungover this afternoon, but I am feeling so much better. I actually feel rested, something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Now I have to work up the strength to get a few things done around here today.  

Damnit! I did it again. I was sitting here, thinking about going getting up and walking. I was trying to decide if I should take pain meds before or after when I realized, I hadn’t taken my Prozac in almost 2 weeks! Gee, I wonder if that could be the reason I feeling a fibro flare-up? (insert sacastic tone here)

I have to make sure I walk tonight after the kids go to bed. I hurt, and there is only one real way to make it better and keep it from getting worse.

I have started another flare up of fibromyalgia. The fog started today. So far, the pain isn’t too incredibly bad, but it could get there easily.

Counting the minutes until Tony and I have marital harmony. We should get our high speed internet by noon Thursday.  I have the router ready and waiting. They just have to come hook it up. By that night, I will not be quite as tied to one area of the house as I am now.

I didn’t get all the chores done this weekend I had wanted to, but I got enough done I am not going to be miserable this week if I can only do a small amount.

I have been trying to figure out just what the problem is with my kids. I know plenty of other people who can nap while their kids are awake. Why can’t I? And really, the problem isn’t so much the kids, but me. I have always had trouble sleeping when they were awake, no matter how tired I am. I used to have them trained so that when my pain got severe and I had to take pain meds they would sit on my back and watch tv or "read" while I slept off the worst of the med effects. As they have gotten older, it has become less and less. I have gotten a handle on my pain overall, so there has been significantly less that they see me sick. I have a bad feeling I may end up sleeping off the fog some this evening while they are awake. My pain isn’t that bad, but that stupid fog is there.

I have not done so well on the weightloss. It really sucks that I have gained back all that I lost, with no change in eating habbits. I stopped walking after the snake incident. It’s all my own fault. I am suspicious though that it has to do with the female problems I have been having. Hopefully I will get some answers tomorrow. I really don’t want to go though. The bleeding has stopped, so I am thinking about waiting until we get back week after next. I will probably go tomorrow.

I have to make some changes. I did well with Weight Watchers. I don’t know why I am fighting going back to doing it. I am tired of the way I am.I am hopeing when I start losing again, that I lose it in the same places I gained it…..in my boobs. It’s not as if I had actually wanted to get larger there. I can certainly afford to lose some there. It comes back to the fact that I could possibly eat whatever I want, as long as I take my metformin and exercise.