Moments Of Sanity

I needed something to go right today. Everything has been pretty crappy. Tony’s labs weren’t good. Let’s just leave it at that. They actually broke confidentiality rules today in order to make sure I made Tony take his meds, monitor his blood pressure, and go back in for his echo when we get back. Me, I was fine. We were all a little surprised that I, the problem patient, was fairly healthy. I did get some meds, some for my migraines, some for anxiety, and a new anti-depressant. Tony got some for blood pressure and cholesterol. I have to taper off my old anti-depressant before starting my new one.

On top of it all, we had yet something else go wrong with our damned car. Hopefully, but I doubt it, the guy can get it fixed today and we can get out of here tonight. If not, it will be sometime tomorrow.

The one thing that did go well……….. My children have been awake 10 hours at this moment, and have not had one peeing accident. Since I said this, I am sure the flood gates will open any minute. However, I will enjoy the few positives this day has brought.

I am obviously an only child sometimes. Well, ok I do have a brother who is almost 10 years younger, but for most things, I think much as an only child.

It is completely beyond my abilities to undestand why my kids fight over two potty chairs, sitting side-by-side, EXACTLY alike.  WTF? Just sit and pee already. 

My kids are so good for my ego. AJ was looking through a picture album I made for them 3 years ago. It was put together with old pictures, pictures of different people and events. One of the pictures I put in there was me during a wedding dress fitting from 1996. My son looked at it, turned to me, and said, "It’s a beautiful princess Mommy!" Torie always says that when she looks at that picture. I know it’s just the dress, but it does good things to hear that.

You know, for someone who is actually pretty smart, I can be really dumb. I realized something yesterday. While sick, I started potty training the kids. For some reason, it seemed to work for me to do it right then.

As I emptied the little potties for the 50th time yesterday it suddenly made sense. The one parenting job that has overwhelmed me isn’t that freakin’ hard. Yes, I will be the first to admit it isn’t easy. It certainly isn’t fun. (Although there are definately some funny moments.) However, I used to do the exact same job as a nurse. We didn’t call it potty training, we called it bowel and bladder training. I have had a total of 16 patients on one 12 hour shift all on training at once. I can certainly handle two 4 year olds. (Them being older has it’s benefits.) The whole emtpying the potty, putting kids on and off, all of that, is exactly like when I was nursing doing an intake & output on a patient. I don’t know why the idea of doing something for 2 people that I used to do with 16 flipped me out so badly.

The entire twin thing has always become easier the second I simply instill a little self-discipline and put us all on a schedule. It sucks. I like being able to do whatever I want when I want. Sometimes I just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that not only did I procreate, but I did it in the "by two’s" method. Just like a daycare, just like a nursing home, I have to quite often deal with the twins by keeping one hell of a strict schedule. They are such better natured, happier, content children when they are on one.

You know what? The simple fact of how it affects the kids means it has the exact same effect on me.  

AJ: Mama, there’s something wrong with this.

Me: Something wrong with what babe?

AJ: There’s something wrong with my penis Mama.

Me: What’s wrong with it? Does it hurt?

AJ: It’s sticking out.

I promptly left the room so I could laugh.

My son just said 9 words that scared the hell out of me.

"I’m going to get the glue and fix this." 

I think I am winning the war, but not too sure. We have had a few accidents. There was the moment when I told Torie to go sit on the potty, she said no, and promptly peed on herself. There was also the 5 minutes I finally couldn’t hold it any longer myself, went to pee and came back to a massive flood. Both kids were dancing in it, so I had no clue who’d done it.

AJ loves wearing pants. He won’t take the underpants off unless he messes them up. Torie has completely embraced nudity. She is my child. AJ, my sensitive, anal retentive baby, has to have clothes on. Air touching his unclothed body seems to equal time in a torture chamber. He is firmly convinced that being without clothes is cruel and unusual torture. I guess this is what happens when your husband freaks the hell out over you letting the kids run around nude in the summer inside the house, or when he comes home and they only have a shirt on.

This has actually been less problematic than I expected. While I can not remotely call it fun, entertaining, or well, anything I really want to do, it has been ok. It has also helped me learn more about my children. That is always valuable ammunition information for the future.

One question though…..how the heck do I decide if the hyperactive boy is just moving or if he has to pee? 

Yes, there is about to be a ton or potty talk on here. Deal with it or go read somone else. My life is about to be fully consumed with pee and poop and preventing it from getting on my furniture.  

The kids went to bed in these all in ones. Both kids woke up dry. Neither kid wanted to sit on the potty, but did anyway. Yes, I may be screwing up, but believe me, I know my kids. They will go to kindergarten in diapers simply to win the battle with us. They are stubborn. I have seen for a while now that they have the control, they just don’t want to do this.

They woke up at 8am. Torie finally peed, in the potty, at 9:20. AJ has yet to go and it s 9:45. Torie is currently toting a lollipop (no captain, no blowpops…..they are mine) around. She has yet to actually put it in her mouth. I find myself grateful on 2 levels. The first is that it is entirely too early to have sugar. The second is that she very purposely picked the blue one. This is the boy’s favorite flavor. Since he won’t pee, he doesn’t get one until he does. He’s playing pretty well at the moment, but I keep catching him shooting his sister dirty looks. This is usually right after she proudly announces, "A blue lollpop." "It’s mine." after putting it under his nose.

Yes, I am not discouraging this. Nothing motivates that child more than seeing her get something and him not. Yes, we are having delayed potty training. Ironically, the ones who complain to me the loudest have been the ones most noticeably absent from our lives after I mention they are welcome to do it themselves if they have a problem with this.

My children have always pushed me. They have always made every single thing a battle of wills between us. I always try to do thing the "proper" way, the "best" and "easiest" way. It never works. Brute force seems to be necessary with these two. Looking back, this seems to have been the way since, oh……conception. Then, there was the whole staying in vs. delivery. They won that one. Not much I could do there.  Then there was the whole breathing issue. We finally won that one, but only after the kids took their breathing tubes off themselves when no one was looking. Then there was eating. Looking back, I should have just starved their little asses until they were willing to breast feed. Instead, I gave into the pressure and let them have a bottle. There was the walking issue. Torie tried for a few months, with AJ watching. Finally, at 13 months, he stood up, let go, and took off. Next there was the bottle vs. sippy issue. It took me giving them sippies of milk and bottles of water. After about 2 days, they finally chose the sippy of milk. I thank God we never really got into the pacifier habit. Then, there was the sippy to open cup. I finally just threw all the damned sippies away. Nlow, although we can drink from an open cup, we really prefer straws and sports lids. I am willing to compromise on the issue.

I have tried the slow, gentle, child led approach to potty training. I am comfortble in the knowledge that if given their way, they will go to school in diapers. I know, they can never put another pullup or diaper on doing it this way. I am also aware that one day I will have to take the potty chairs and throw them away. Cold turkey seems to be the only way to go. And it is definately the way we are going.

Please, send tequila. And yes, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. When I finally get them trained, and it’s time to put the tequila away, I will stop cold turkey. Again. Until then, I may very well be getting hammered every night. Yea! Complete and total embarrassment via drunken blogging. But also one very happy husband. 

I am totally nuts.

So far today, we have had one success each, and 2 accidents each.

We are going to damned well do this. I am quite probably going to get completely hammered sometime this weekend. Yes, that will probably mean drunken blogging Captain.

Fortunately, I am beginning to feel a little better, so maybe the stomach thing is blowing over.  

I haven’t got much to say at the moment. I am simply juggling all those balls of daily life. Not much really going on here at the moment really.

My kids are as cute as ever, although I came as close as I ever have to losing it with them this morning. I am not a morning person by any means. I was stumbling around, making breakfast and coffee when it suddenly registered that Torie was incredibly pale, almost dead pale. I called her over to me, and when I touched her every texture/skin sensitivity issue I have screamed at me. She felt nasty! I can’t stand the feel of plaster, chalk, etc. She was covered, from head to to, in some sort of stuff. I went into their room to try to figure it out. At first, nothing seemed unusual. I realized I needed to look for some sort of powdery stuff. I made myself really see the room, and quickly figured out the problem. Sometime before they fell asleep, someone managed to climb into the top of the closet and get out this plaster handprint kit. The kids then decided that it was "flour" and proceeded to play in it. It’s a real shame they didn’t make me a xanax laced cake because I completely lost it.  AJ’s bed of course was nice and neat, no mess there. Torie as usual had it all. over. her. bed. and. the. floor. I can’t decide if AJ was involved or not. I think so, because I remember trying to figure out what a couple little spots were on his shirt that I didn’t remember last night. Torie was literally covered in the stuff.

I never, ever touch my children in anger. I do spank, but not when I feel anything more than calm. I have a very quick temper, and a very strong temper. I just refuse to get into the situation of having to wonder if I was too rough with them. I try to not spank, but it comes down to that sometimes. I am currently working on my Love & Logic stuff again, hoping to decrease the spanking even more. It has it’s place, but not  my preferred method.

That was all background to explain why I waited almost 3 hours before touching my children at all this morning. I was honest with them about why I didn’t want to be around them. I was clear that they would be in trouble over the stuff, but that for now, mommy was so mad she needed a time out to protect them. I finally put them in the tub at 10.

Of all mornings for this to happen. I only slept 1 hour night before last. I slept about 1 hour before Tony got home last night and then about 2.5 this morning before the kids got up. This makes an already non-morning person even nastier. I generally find myself grumpy and angry in the mornings. I just hate waking up. It usually doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, I hate to wake up. I get angry about it, and am not aware enough to prevent it.

This morning is a prime example of why I am pretty sure I am going to go ahead and tell my doc I am ready for the anti-anxiety med. I am scrared witless over this, but I really think it’s time. It’s been 15 years since I last took one, but I still crave it sometimes. My doc is well aware of all this, and is willing to work with me on it. I do refuse to take the same one I used to take, but am willing to try anything else he recommends. The most obvious choice is really to change my anti-depressant to try to get better control of the anxiety and panic attacks, but it works so well for the fibro I don’t want to mess with it. Maybe the doc will have some ideas.