Moments Of Sanity

I learned tonight that someone I know needs help. I don’t want to go into details here to protect their privacy. However, I am going to think it through on here.

For those who don’t know, I used to be a nurse. My primary dept was med/surg. I spent some time learning a few other specialty areas, but was a general med/surg nurse. I basically took care of people who were sick or who had surgery. Urology was the main area I did specialty training, but didn’t get much use out of that once I moved to Dallas. I left nursing when I got pregnant with Bella, hoping that a desk job with less stress might increase my chances of maintaining a pregnancy. After a few years at this other job, I let my license lapse. Other than when I was considering divorce, I haven’t really thought about going back to it. I do miss certain aspects, but don’t miss the stress at all. However, this means when it comes to doing certain things, I walk a fine line. I still have all the knowledge, and have kept my continuing education current, but am so rusty on the actual practice of the knowledge. I can’t legally do anything, but can easily run into the situation where I could have to.

Tony and I have a family friend that is about to need 24 hour care for a family member. This person is currently in ICU, but about to go to a private room. This is wonderful news. The problem is that the friend isn’t able to stay with his family member 24/7. He has to work and sleep. They don’t need a nurse really, but someone to just be with the person, M. As of this moment, M has a trach and is on a ventilator. M is also not exactly responsive. M has a great prognosis, but the doctors think M’s body just doesn’t want to become aware again yet. There are of course any number of other machines and things M will be hooked up to. While I can’t actually act in a professional capacity, I can be someone who won’t get freaked out by all they are seeing.

I know the friends of the friend and family member are going to be there for them. I also know when I heard the news today that I really felt called to make sure I was there to help. These people have been a great source of strength and support to Tony and I, and my in-laws. Several problems immediately presented themselves.

1. The kids. I don’t have an easy baby sitter for them.

2. Tony’s schedule. He works evenings, and everything I do must be around his work schedule

3. 1 and 2, plus the fact that we only have the one car.

I know many of those issues are easily worked out. I don’t have enough information yet about exactly when they need help to be able to plan anything. I just know I am supposed to help, somehow. I can only assume that with that feeling, that knowledge, that everything else will fall into place.

I also hope and pray that M starts responding to things again soon. M is an incredibly strong person who has been through so, so much. Even if M woke up tonight, M would have a good 2-3 months of hospitalization to get through. Moving out of ICU is only the beginning of the end of this situation.

I feel guilty. The only real hesitation I have in doing this is that I have the feeling it will be the start of me getting back into nursing. I don’t particularly want to do that. How do I fight something I feel called to do though?

I have pictures up of the kids here, on my yahoo page. They will be under the 2006 October Album. Ignore the fact that my camera dated them as Jan 2004. I didn’t realize it and didn’t reset the date. *sigh* I need a new camera, but don’t really want to spend the money for one. I may check ebay, or I may keep fighting with this one.

The kids had a great time, but are tired. I think they were asleep within 5 minutes of Tony shutting the door tonight. Torie fell asleep on the way home, but AJ made it the entire 45 minute drive.

I came home in pain. I don’t know what happened. One minute I was fine and by the time we got into the car, I almost couldn’t get in. I am currently waiting on my muscle relaxers and pain meds to kick in so I can get some relief. I hope everyone had a great evening!

I have to remember to take these vitamins every day. I also have to remember to take them early in the day.

I am pretty sure I have used up all the calories I have taken in today simply because I have had music going all evening and have danced my way through the stuff I have to do.

I have to call this afternoon to set up physicals for Tony and myself. Tony hasn’t had one in years, and I haven’t really either. The last time I went to the doctor for something unrelated to female stuff or fibromyalgia or a cold was a long time ago. I won’t blog about Tony’s reasons for needing to go, other than to say it is time.

I am having entirely too many migraines. My last CT scan was fine, so I am not exactly worried about tumors. (Yes, I worry about that. I had a tumor noted on a scan when I was 14, that disappeared within 6 months.) They are definately interfering with my quality of life at the moment. Having almost 4 year old twins isn’t fun at all when the smallest sound makes you throw up because of pain. They have been often enough and severe enough lately that I am willing to be on a maintainence med to make it stop.

My serious lack of energy is also concerning. Tony and I have also discussed that my depression doesn’t seem to be completely managed by my Prozac. While I am actually on it to help with the fibro, I definately have depression. I don’t know if I need to have my dosage increased or change meds (a little nervous about changing since I finally have a handle on the fibro pain) but I definately suspect that I may need something for anxiety. This also freaks me out. This is where my issues with long term medication came from. Fortunately, I have a wonderful doctor that is pretty understanding about my medication issues.

My most concerning issue………I found a lump on my neck this afternoon. It isn’t sore or tender. It is just there. I want to watch it for a couple of days, and if still there, I want to make sure the doctor checks it out.

Last but not least, I want to discuss sleep issues with the doctor. My rheumatologist has me on a muscle relaxer for two reasons. 1. To help with the muscle pain from the fibro. 2. To help with sleep. While it definately makes me sleep, it leaves me so drained I can’t do anything. Combine that with the fact that I already have a low energy level, and it means I am a zombie. It is also a pretty addictive drug, and that kinda freaks me out. Dr. P hasn’t been overly concerned about the addiction issue since he has to talk me into a prescription for it each visit, and he has to pretty much demand I take it. I can only take so much Benadryl to help with sleep because after about 3 doses, I start hallucinating.

I don’t talk much about religion here because I have some rather unusual views on things. I tend to view most things differently than others, and religion is such a controversial topic anyway.

Just to share a little background, I grew up experiencing many different things. My primary religious influence in life was my grandfather. My mom’s mom was born Catholic, raised Baptist (1), married a Presbyterian, and became a Methodist minister. After my grandmother died, he then married a Morman. They decided they weren’t compatible and divorced. He then married a Pentecostal (2). My dad’s parents were Baptist and Methodist. My ex was Baptist, and Tony is Episcopalian. I was in the process of converting to Episcopalian 1 year ago when we moved. I had a great minister when I was 14-16 when I wasn’t even sure I believed in God, much less which denomination (3). I also had a grandfather who believed I couldn’t make a true decision without being informed. They worked together to make sure when I made my decisions regarding my questions, I was prepared to make them.

My husband and I have spent many hours discussing religion and beliefs. We don’t always agree. Tony and I have different comfort levels when it comes to God. I have a definate informality when it comes to my prayers, while Tony finds comfort in the formality. Becoming comfortable in the Episcopal church has been difficult for me simply because of the formality of the church we went to. The immediate sense of family and community in that church kept me coming back, and probably always will. As I have said before, that church and it’s members almost kept me from moving.

Footnotes (1)My grandfather was not raised by his family after the age of 9. He became blind at that age and lived at the school for the blind. His family is still Catholic, and so was he to some level until he died. (2)Pentecostal is the one thing I wouldn’t explore, simply because I hated this woman so much. (3)I tried to commit suicide when I was 14, almost 15. I had an experience then that when I recovered, I have never doubted God’s existance since. Angry sometimes, and not always sure I liked Him, but never again have I doubted. I had another experience when I almost died having Bella that reaffirmed my beliefs.

Not even a third of my playlists I have talked about my ecclectic music tastes. I thought I would share a sample of my playlists. Really, this is only about 3 out of 15.

Rob Thomas - Ever The Same

Gretchen Wilson - Here For The Party

Hootie & the Blowfish - I Go Blind

Marc Cohn - Walking In Memphis

Deana Carter - Strawberry Wine

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama

Third Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

Blessid Union of Souls - Let Me Be TheOne

Uncle Kracker - Memphis Soul Song

Uncle Kracker - In A Little While

Pat Benatar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot

K T Tunstall - Black Horse And The Cherry Tree

Kenny Chesney, Uncle Kracker - When The Sun Goes Down [Duet With Uncle Kracker (Live)]

Tracy Byrd - Ten Rounds With Jose Cuervo

Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me

Dixie Chicks - Cowboy Take Me Away

Toby Keith - Stays In Mexico

Rodney Atkins - If You’re Going Through Hell

Shania Twain - Come On Over

Terri Clark - I Wanna Do It All

Skid Row - 18 And Life

Uncle Kracker - Follow Me

Jo Dee Messina - Lesson In Leavin’

Billy Joel - We Didn’t Start The Fire 

The Bangles - If She Knew What She Wants

Bad English - The Time Alone With You

Terence Trent D’Arby - Wishing Well

Warrant - Blind Faith

Pam Tillis - Shake The Sugar Tree

De La Soul - Me Myself & I

Mary Chapin Carpenter - Down At The Twist And Shout

Neal McCoy - The Shake

Lorrie Morgan - Except For Monday

Kid Rock - Picture [featuring Sheryl Crow]

Joe Nichols - Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off

TLC - Waterfalls

Hootie & the Blowfish - Goodbye Girl

Willa Ford - I Wanna Be Bad

Big & Rich - Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy) 

Started George Strait - Stars On The Water

Smash Mouth - I’m A Believer

Ashlee Simpson - Pieces Of Me

Shania Twain - Man! I Feel Like A Woman!

Dixie Chicks - Wide Open Spaces

Shania Twain - Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?

Shania Twain - That Don’t Impress Me Much

Dixie Chicks - Goodbye Earl

Dixie Chicks - If I Fall You’re Going Down With Me

Shania Twain - Any Man Of Mine

Shania Twain - Don’t Be Stupid

Shania Twain - You Win My Love

Shania Twain - I’m Holdin’ On To Love

Dixie Chicks - There’s Your Trouble

Gretchen Wilson - One Bud Wiser

Kentucky Headhunters - Dumas Walker

Trace Adkins - Hot Mama

Pam Tillis - Maybe It Was Memphis

Martina McBride - Independence Day

Brooks & Dunn - My Maria

Brooks & Dunn - Brand New Whiskey

Deana Carter - Did I Shave My Legs For This?

John Michael Montgomery - Life’s A Dance

Brooks & Dunn - You Can’t Take The Honky Tonk Out Of The Girl

Norah Jones - Don’t Know Why

Toby Keith - You Leave Me Weak

Sarah McLachlan - Angel

Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You

Creed - With Arms Wide Open

Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You

Lita Ford - Kiss Me Deadly

Israel Kamakawiwo‘ole - Over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World

Norah Jones - Come Away With Me

Def Leppard - Let Me Be The One

Chely Wright - Single White Female

Edwin McCain - I’ll Be

Montgomery Gentry - Lonely And Gone

Gary Allan - Smoke Rings In The Dark

Macy Gray - I Try

Jo Dee Messina - Stand Beside Me

Creed - Higher

Christina Aguilera - Genie In A Bottle

Third Eye Blind - Never Let You Go

Barenaked Ladies - One Week

Sara Evans - Born To Fly

Barenaked Ladies - Too Little Too Late

3 Doors Down - Loser

Alan Jackson - Pop A Top

3 Doors Down - Kryptonite

Darren Hayes - Insatiable

Steve Holy - Good Morning Beautiful

Dixie Chicks - Cowboy Take Me Away

Martina McBride - Blessed

Eiffel 65 - Blue (Da Ba Dee)

Clint Black with Lisa Hartman Black - When I Said I Do

Pink - Don’t Let Me Get Me

Nickelback - How You Remind Me

Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance

Diamond Rio - One More Day

T.I. - Let’s Get Away

Carrie Underwood - Jesus, Take The Wheel

Pink - Family Portrait

John Mayer - Your Body Is A Wonderland

3 Doors Down - When I’m Gone

Goo Goo Dolls - Give A Little Bit

3 Doors Down - Away From The Sun

Nickelback - Feelin’ Way Too Damn Good

Black Eyed Peas - Let’s Get It Started

Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved

Van Zant - Help Somebody

K T Tunstall - Suddenly I See

John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change

There is nothing like working on the business site to make me sleepy. I am currently working on getting Christmas stuff up. I have closeted myself in the bedroom have my workout music up loud, and am still occasionally getting sleepy.

Shouldn’t there be some sort of Pavlovian response to the workout music? Since it’s the playlist of workout music, shouldn’t I get more energetic with it?

I have found myself really tired lately. Not exactly a physical tired, but a mental, emotional tired.

 
I want (but don’t expect, nor am I asking for) a few days of utter self-indulgence. I want to have a small bit of time where no one is asking me for something all the time.

Lately I have felt like everyone has something they want done. Someone always wants my time and attention.

The worst part of it all…….I do it to myself. I have gotten time to myself. It is no one’s fault but my own that I feel guilty when I get the time. It’s no one’s fault but my own that I can’t shut of my need to try to make everyone’s life better. It’s no one’s fault but my own that when I do take a little time for myself that I can’t stop thinking about all I should be doing instead. I then end up letting it lead to a cycle of guilt and non-productivity.

I feel so blah lately. Food doesn’t taste good. Nothing seems interesting. I have been in such a bizarre mood. I can’t help but think it may be time to consider changing or increasing my antidepressant.

I have so much I need to get done around here, and I don’t see it getting done. I will though. I almost always do.

I don’t know if it is just me, or if it is really the kids. They are so freakin’ loud today! It is driving me batty. I can’t tell if they are so loud I am getting a headache or if I have a headache so they seem loud. I just know they are loud.

We seem to be going through another phase of belligerance. Everything I say or do, they fight me. Torie blatantly challenges me, while AJ is just ignoring me. I get so tired of always being a bitch. It seems like no matter what I do, how I do it, they don’t behave unless I  am being hard about everything. I don’t expect it to be easy all the time, but just occasionally is all I am asking. It feels like everything is so damned difficult for me where they are concerned.

It seems like we missed the terrible two’s. However, we seem to be starting them now. I am seriously sick of this crap.  

I am definately not on the top of my parenting game today. OK,  much at all lately. I have sucked if  you must know the truth. It doesn’t help that the kids have been absolute hellions lately. Today has been worse than any so far. I am not 100% sure there will be survivors at the end of the day.

They have had to constantly be touching me. The problem is, not just touching, but so close you can’t even wedge a piece of paper between us. This isn’t too incredibly bad with Torie. With AJ it is physically painful. He can’t sit still, so all you feel is a constant jabbing and stabbing of all his bony parts. I am covered in bruises.