Moments Of Sanity

I needed that little hiatus. I am not still not sure if I am ready to blog, if my muse is back. I have a lot on my mind. I have a ton of things I could blog about. I haven’t finished dealing with my issues yet enough to blog about them though. First I have to admit to them and deal with them in my daily life before I go public. I didn’t trust myself to not let the issues come out, so I removed the possibility. My posts may not be frequent for that same reason.  

I am noticing my body gearing up for another major fibro flare up. I spent the weekend dealing with an ovarian cyst rupturing. It never felt like it actually ruptured, and my body acts as if it is still there. The pain is better at the moment though.

I am almost 6 months out from the hysterectomy. I really wish I had done it sooner. He would have done it the year before, but I was afraid to change one set of problems for another. When I finally got up the nerve, I was desperate for some sort of change, even simpy a new set of problems. I am in much less pain, and actually have a bit more energy. The fibromyalgia didn’t really change, other than it was harder to predict when I was going to have a flare up. Let me be honest here. While I am in frequent pain from fibromyalgia, even one less set of problems helps tremendously. I have had to get used to some actual physical changes, I am still getting used to a few of those, but it was one of the best things I have ever done.

I am thinking though that it is time to bite the bullet and find a regular doctor. I think I need something to occasionally take the edge off my anxiety. This is a big step for me. I haven’t been willing to take anything for anxiety for over 15 years.  I don’t need it all the time, but I have had  a couple of severe panic attacks over the past year, that would have been much more tolerable had I been willing to accept the meds. I am seriously considering driving the hour to see the doctor I was seeing. I have 5 years history, he knows I am not drug seeking, he is aware of my tendency to self-diagnose, and he trusts me to talk to him. I hate starting over with a new doctor. I know I need to find one closer, but for this issue………I am thinking of making the drive.

I have decided to take a short break from blogging. I may post a few passworded posts, so don’t be offended if I don’t share with the world. I’ll be back soon. I will continue reading my blogroll though.

I had hoped to spend the day tomorrow being lazy. I left my kids with my sister-in-law. She will have them until Sunday night. I had planned to wake up slowly, with no guilt about sleeping in. I planned to then be totally lazy, and maybe not even get out of my pajamas. I had hoped to spend some time sorting through the kids toys, getting rid of some, putting some away for later.

Now, my plans are to go with a friend to Abilene. Said friend better know how much I love her.  

I grabbed a cast iron skillet with my bare hand.  Ouch.

Do you ever have days where you just feel out of sorts? That’s where I am at today. I feel like no matter what I do, it will never be enough, or good enough. I feel unlovable even. I feel like going into hybernation or hiding and being alone. Very, very unsociable at the moment.

I have mixed feelings about my family and friends in relation to this. One part wants to just be left the hell alone, to come out of it on my own. The other wants to be cajoled out of it. No, there really is no right answer here. No matter what, I am not going to be happy at the moment.

Several things started this, but it all comes down to the same thing. I think I skipped my meds yesterday. I’ve also woken up to migraines 2 days in a row. I’m also simply feeling bitchy. It’ll blow over soon. 

I can’t get to sleep though. I have a sore throat, ear ache, and a headache.  I also can’t seem to make my brain shut off. Not much of a surprise there, I have been on medication to help me sleep off and on since I was 13.

AJ has developed a bit of a problem. We had already started seeing discipline problems from him. Over the past 2 weeks, with this week being the worst, his energy level has risen to the point he is the poster child for ADHD. Torie is exhibiting some of the same behavior, but we can’t tell if she is just following what he is doing, or if she is having problems herself.

He is never not into something. Usually, it is the very thing that he just got time out/spanked/yelled at about. He really most of the time can’t seem to remember getting into trouble about it not 4 minutes before. We are seriously about to start having much, much more structured days around here, and really increasing the discipline. I can’t even go to a friend’s baptism tomorrow, all because of AJ’s behavior.

Tomorrow/today promises to be busy even without the baptism. The kids have a birthday party to go to, and I still have to get wrapping paper. I also need to hit the bookstore for a particular book. Sometime, I have to finish the grocery shopping.

I am looking forward to having a few days to myself at the end of this week. I hope my sister in law is up for 3 days with the wild child and his sister.

Yesterday I got a chance to get back in touch with a long time friend. This friend and I have never met. We’ve talked on the phone, chatted for hours via IM, and traded pictures of our families. I met her before I met Tony. I met her on the same site I met Tony. We were both insomniac night people.

Through the years, we have occasionally lost touch. I always get upset with myself. However, by chance my husband had her email. He was cleaning out his address file, and sent everyone an email. She replied and he forwarded it to me. Thank goodness. As we chatted, I realized how stupid it was to allow even the most occasional hello to go forgotten.

This is all a way of saying Hi Sara! I’ve missed you, and can’t begin to tell you how excited I am to have found you again.  

Eventually, I will get back to pouring my soul out here. I got a phone call a bit ago that shared some disturbing news. This is what happened. Not only did this dumbass endager his life, he could have easily killed or injured many others. WTF was he thinking? I have heard from my own source that there was a little more to it, but even if there weren’t……….

It never ceased to amaze me when my own patients would light up while on oxygen. What part of death did they miss? If they choose to die, fine, I honestly couldn’t care less. But do me a favor……….don’t take me with you. Show a little thought for others by NOT TRYING TO KILL THEM!

I spent a month in this hospital when pregnant with the twins. I was in and out of it several times during that 6 months. I had my daughter there. I had my hysterectomy there. I have spent more time on the upper floors than I care to think about. I can only imagine my response when pg with with the twins……not allowed to get up for more than a bathroom trip……..had the fire alarm gone off.  I can’t begin to think about being a new mom and hearing it. Sure, there were fire drills when I was there. But from my own experience, you can tell after 5 minutes if it is a drill. The faces of the employees change. The atmosphere changes. I know that from my own nursing experiences, and in a true emergency, I am one of the calmest people you can imagine. (as long as it doesn’t involve my kids….then I flip out.) My own patients have reported to me they knew when it stopped being a possible drill and became real.

I apologize to the smokers who read this. Most of the ones I know are nice enough to not do something that stupid. It never ceases to amaze me though, that some people can be so incredibly selfish.

Eventually I will write all the stupid, unbelievable things I have seen happen when I was nursing. Some are scary, some funny as hell.  

This was in yahoo’s health news today. It is a big issue for me. I am fully aware we were some of those miracle statistics. Don’t believe for one second that I went into it thinking we would be though. However, we had plenty of friends and family members that were uneducated about it enough to believe that it really wasn’t a big deal.

Let me go back though, to the conception. We used clomid.  There were several reasons. I have PCOS. I wasn’t ovulating regularly. We were pretty positive that we weren’t getting many mature eggs. The first month, I had overstimulated, in the moderate range. We had all talked before we started down the path of induced ovulation about how far we were willing to go. All parties agreed that IVF was not going to be in our future. We weren’t particularly into the idea of anything more than the clomid. The chances of multiples were just too high. Tony and I were aware that financially, mentally, and physically it wouldn’t be good. After all my losses, I knew I couldn’t handle having to face a reduction. With clomid, there was a 10% chance of multiples. We should have known. The odds of overstimulation aren’t that high on the lowest dose of clomid, but we hit that jackpot. I don’t know why we weren’t prepared for what followed.

Our next round with clomid was successful. That story is here.  When I went into premature labor at 24 weeks, I wasn’t ready. We were told there was a 50/50 survival rate. The neonatologist that gave us those odds didn’t even figure in the possibility of what the quality of life could be, he just told us that there was a strong chance of poor quality of life. When we went into labor again at 26 weeks, he said our odds of survival had gone up. At 28 weeks, we still didn’t hear a 100% survival rate, we were told 80%. That was when he was really willing to talk quality of life. Even at 28 weeks, he wouldn’t give us huge odds of a perfectly normal quality of life.

We had family and friends that for whatever reason, only focused on the 80%, and never heard the rest. Everyone thought I was full of doom, and pessimistic for not being willing to just assume all would be well. I had been a nurse, I knew what could happen. I knew that we weren’t home free yet. During the following weeks, I spent many, many long hours up there in the NICU alone. I watched more families than I care to remember say a very painful goodbye. I knew with one false move, within the time it took to dial a phone, I could be one of the next parents saying goodbye.

I look at my children, and am reminded every day of how lucky we are. I am also well aware that there will still be a significant amount of time that we are still unsure. I have 2 children that both show a significant number of traits for Asperger’s. I have a 3 year old that shows many, many signs of ADHD. I actually find myself incredibly thankful that those are the problems we face. It so easily could have been something so much worse.  

I completely caved today. I have spent the better part of the day waiting on the cable company to come fix our problem. I’m still waiting. This all day appointment time frame is crap. In the meantime, the twinkies have won. They have worn me down until I finally caved and let them watch Christmas movies in July! Save me cableman, save me!!!!!!