Moments Of Sanity

I grew up in an area rich in history. OK, actually I grew up in a different place than where I am talking about. I grew up in the same town Faulkner lived in and also which John Grisham did. While I may not approve of all that is involved with the history of the South, I am proud to be from the South. There are several famous people from the general area, and I am fortunate enough to have a few of them. Some of them I have never met. One of my all time favorite actors, whom I respect as a person and an actor is from my home state. I can’t wait to visit both his places. I hope I can one day manage a vacation home, that doesn’t involve spending every waking moment with my parents.

As a Southerner, I got to experience much of all that is beautiful there. I was raised to be a lady (I learned it all, I just don’t actually practice it all the time, but I do know how.) I was raised to appreciate the slow pace of the south. I really have trouble with any other way of life.

My husband, although still a southerner, didn’t grow up experiencing many of the things, people, places I did. One of the things we both love though is the Blues. I grew up not an hour away from Beale St. One of my very favorite times as an adult was spending New Year’s Eve on Beale St. It was absolutely amazing. I got to see and hear B.B. King play live once. I also am hoping to be able to take him here. I also want to take him here. This is one of my favorite restaurants. Memphis is one of my favorite towns. It has it’s less than desirable parts, but then what town doesn’t? It is also full of history. It is home of Beale St and it’s Music Festival. It is also home of this. Yummy. Here are some of the attractions Memphis offers. No, I have never been to Graceland.

In all fairness, I should probably come out of the closet about where I grew up. This is a little scary for me, since if you google my screen name, this blog comes up in the first few possibilities. I shouldn’t fail to mention that while I have lived in Oxford, I actually grew up in a teensy little town outside of Oxford that I refuse to name. You can find a small bit about the town and it’s history here. I can’t mention my home town without mentioning the beloved Ole Miss. This is pretty cool when the school season starts up. When someone finds out I am not from Texas, they always ask where I am from. If they don’t get the Oxford/Faulkner reference, they always get the Ole Miss reference.

So, now that I am hopelessly homesick, I have to do a final plug for one of my favorite food places back home.  Last but not least, I have to ask this. If you know me, please don’t out me to my family. Friends are welcome, family is not. Everyone deserves some privacy, and think about it, would you really want to know the innermost thoughts of your child/sister/niece/grandchild? Yeah, I thought not.

Back when I was single (the first time) I wasn’t all that interested in dating men with children. It wasn’t so much the kids that bothered me, it was the ex that I didn’t want to inherit. When my first husband and I divorced, I didn’t date anyone with children for much the same reason. Then, I had my own insane ex to deal with. One was more than enough.

I did however end up with a good friend that had one child. We explored the relationship going further , but I had already met Tony, his daughter was too close to my own age, and Jim’s ex hated me. (The ex actually wasn’t the mother of his daughter…..that ex and I got along fine.) It all became a moot point after I decided I made a better fit with Tony. During the right before he died, when he was so sick, his daughter and I became friends.

The Monday after I met Tony in person the first time, his ex called to tell him she was pregnant. I really almost bailed on this relationship more times than I care to admit, and simply because this woman was the walking example of the insane ex I never wanted to deal with. She was manipulative, controlling, and a very definate bitch. I frankly never could see just what had ever interested Tony in her. I offered to just leave more times than I can count, because I have always felt that it was wrong for a person to come between a parent and child, and this woman was making a point to put me there. No matter how gracefully I tried to stay out of things, she made it difficult. I finally decided that no matter how things went for Tony and I, I was going to stay put long enough to make sure she realized, no one would ever be allowed (including her) to come between him and his child. I pitty the poor sap who ended up with her.

Anyway, a few years ago when things suddenly went bad for Tony and I, I was faced with the possibility of getting out and starting over. I realized several things. 1. I was at an age that it was more difficult than ever to say I would not date a guy that already had kids. Especially since I almost always have dated guys at least 4 years older than I. 2. I didn’t mind other kids, as long as I never had to be pregnant again. 3. (And this is a new one, discovered in the past 6 months) The kids must already be potty trained, or be living with mom full time so I don’t have to do that much with it. 4. If I were to move on, while no one would ever, ever be able to take Tony’s place with the kids (not that I would remotely let them try……..he’s a freakin awesome dad.) They better be as good at tag teaming my kids (and any he already had) as Tony is. 

Tony and I set up our lives as parents to be a team. I need the relief that I get from knowing he can completely take over, and do things much the way I would. That is hard to find. While I know several who could, they are rare. Someone said something to me recently about their parenting relationship with their spouse, and all I could think of was "Tony is the only person who understands that I sometimes need to be protected from the twins." "How on earth would I cope if he didn’t?" 

While I most certianly didn’t stay with Tony because I was afraid of being a single mom, I do have to admit that his parenting skills helped balance me enough that I couldn’t do it easily without him. I was pretty sure that after coming through all that I have, possibly even a better, more rounded person because of it all, I could quite capably handle being a single parent. I wasn’t sure though if I could take the kids away from him. I spent time trying to figure out if we could stand to live in close quarters so that we could still attempt to maintain our parenting style.  In the end, I chose to stay.

I am well aware now (more so than before even) at just how fragile the bonds of trust are. While this post started because of a comment on one of the message boards I am on, it really made me think. I know that if Tony and I divorced tomorrow, I would be faced with moving on. If for no other reason than that is what I do. I survive at first, and then I grow. I also know, that in that growing process, I would move on. Odds are, I would move on with someone that has children. I find it funny that where I once would have completely illiminated someone for having children (and worse, and ex) I now don’t think I would mind as much.

I’m off to go let the kids play in their pool.  

I grew up with parents that were so scared of regret, and well, everything, that I was determined not to be that way. Kelly Clarkson’s Song, "Because of You" Has really spoken to me lately. (I listen to a lot of music during the day while working.) While my parents worked hard to impart their "sense of caution" in my brother and I, it had the opposite effect on me. While he is 21, still living at home, not working, I was determined to live.I refused to turn out like my mom. While I knew I might grow up to regret things I had done, I wouldn’t grow up to regret what I had not done.

My mother has freely admitted to me that she is jealous of me. She has admitted that she is envious of my chance to live. Had I not gotten so incredibly ill when I was 13, I might not would not have turned out the way I did.  I was falling in with their ideas all too easily. My world turned upside down though, and I experienced a mental vertigo. I didn’t know what was true anymore, or who could be trusted. I rapidly discovered, I could survive though.

When I was pregnant with Isabella, LeAnn Womack’s "I Hope You Dance" came out. It became my song to her, and later to the twins. I hope my children inherit my sense of life. I never, ever want them to inherit the over grown sense of caution my parents have.

My parents didn’t mean to stifle us, they truly meant to protect us. The thing that they have never understood about me, is that I would rather experience the worst than nothing. I have looked into the flames of hell and come out stronger, wiser, and ultimately happier. Without experiencing those things, I would NOT be who I am. So just exactly how can I regret my While I hope and pray my children never have to experience the same things I have, I hope they can develop the sense of survival and of life.

An example of how my parents view things: Literally a month before my wedding day to my ex, my mom and I were talking. (I was pregnant) She asked me if I yet regretting sleeping with him before marriage. I just sat there with my mouth open. I finally asked her what she meant. Her response was, "Well, if the two of you don’t make it, what if the next man you decide to be with has a problem with not being your first?" I literally fell off the bed laughing. (She still doesn’t get why.) I finally got myself together enough to reply that if he had problems with that, he definately would have problems raising the child I was currently carrying! Her next examply had to do with me being divorced. I finally replied with, "If anyone I meet has problems with my past, then we will never get as far as talking about marriage because I will have already figured out he doesn’t really like who I am since that past created who he sees."

After we lost Bella, I was afraid. For the first time ever, I wasn’t all that positive I would survive with my sanity intact. I was at times afraid to leave the house. I was terrified if Tony came home 5 (five) minutes late. I was a basket case. I wasn’t afraid of dying exactly (I came to terms with that at 14) but I was afraid of losing everyone I loved. 

My children are some of the few things that can bring me to my knees. I have no doubt that if Tony left tomorrow, I would figure out how to go on. After losing Bella though, I am not so sure how I would handle the possibility of losing one of the twins. It really is like having my heart walking around outside my body.

I am an overprotective mom. Anyone who knows me knows that. I work hard to find that balance though. I am constantly second guessing everything because while I want to protect them, I want them to live. I want to teach them to be ok, to self soothe. I had to almost die in order to learn that because I had never been allowed to learn it. I was protected and insulated from everything.

I wasn’t taught how to put myself to sleep. As an adult, I still can’t. I look back and wonder why my parents were letting me get married so young. The idea of eloping never came to mind, that was disobedient. Had I gotten married when we originally planned, I couldn’t have done it without them signing for it. I can’t help but wonder, did they think it was a way to keep me close, and under their infuence? If I married at 20 and got pregnant quickly, would I always stay there? Instead, I got pregnant a year later, lost the baby, got married, turned wilder than hell, and ended up almost dead once again.

This all goes back to the fact that I hope to find a happy medium between caution and living in the kids. Walking that balance has already become one of the biggest challenges of parenthood to me. I suspect it always will be.  

This figuring out the nap time thing sucks. I really, really loved having those couple of hours to myself in the evening when they went to bed at 8, before Tony got home. Those days they don’t nap at all. Some days, this is still the best arrangement for them.

Other days, they desperately need the nap. They are grumpy, super hyper, and alltogether irritating. This means that they go to nap at about 2-3, and sleep until 6-7. If they nap, this means my time isn’t necessarily that. Friends and family always want to drop by during that time. I really miss the schedule we used to have, but they will not follow it anymore on a regular basis.

I am sitting here, resting after playing with the kids. They are worn out enough they are sitting there watching tv. They are so beautiful.

Actually, I had to stop writing this in order to put them down for a nap. They were yawning and just sitting there. So far they are in their room, quiet. Well, the girl child is barking yelling at me once in a while in a last ditch effort to not fall asleep. I think I wore them out. lol

This is what this parenting thing is all about. The hope and promise of this is what got me through all those awful moments in the beginning. I love this age with them.

First, let me say Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there.

Tony is currently in bed. That was my gift to him. He is to sleep until his heart’s content all week long, except when he has to get up to go to work. I did ask him to get up and spend 1 hour with the kids since all I hear all day is "Where is my daddy?" "I miss my daddy." I think that’s only fair. Although, I am quite literally about to pass out from exhaustion. I may have to have a nap before he goes out for the evening. I will pry my eyes open with toothpicks before I go wake him up though.

Tony is the best father I could have ever hoped for. While I don’t always agree with his parenting methods, he always has their best interests at heart. I was really worried after 2 of the most complicated, stress inducing pregnancies that maybe he really wasn’t up for the challenge. (Support during the pregnancy was not his forte……..he tried, but missed.) I was needlessly worried.  He took to parenting with more ease than I ever hoped I could. I have always been amazed at his confort level with them. Parenting has been nothing but challenging to me. He on the other hand makes it look so easy.

When I am tired, he always steps up to take over. He is the one person I don’t feel guilty dumping the kids on so I can get a break. I have no doubt they are perfectly safe and happy in his care. I find it amazing to watch him with them. I fall a little more in love with him every time. They absolutely adore him. I couldn’t have found a better father to the kids, and partner to me if I had tried with that in mind. I didn’t though, we sort of fell into this relationship. He ranks up there with those few great fathers that I know, and believe me, I know several pretty freakin’ awesome ones.

So, Happy Father’s Day Tony! We love you. 

I got a card today for Julie’s parents. I went looking for Father’s Day cards, for Tony and my dad. I remembered while I was there that I really should get one for Julie’s parents. I stood there, looking at the sympathy cards, trying to work up the strength to read them. I have too much respect for her, and her family to just grab one. I stood there in the middle of Wal-Mart, trying not to cry for the 4th time in as many days. I failed. Writing this will make the 5th time in 4 days. This is seriously playing havoc on my contact lenses and my eyes.

After Isabella died, everyone was so supportive. As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, everyone else seemed to move on. I felt like my world had stopped. I was angry with everyone for having the audacity to continue living as if nothing had occured. It was painful to see that time moved on. How was I supposed to continue without her?

I know some of what her parents are feeling. As one of her best friends, I owe it to her to do something for them. I am planning to send them a card or two a month for a while. I want them to know I haven’t forgotten her, and I never will……even when time moves on for their friends and family, but they haven’t. It will be a long time before things are "normal" again. They never really will be, but some well meaning dumbass will tell them that. Whenever I have called, I have simply told them I was thinking of them, and of her, every day. I always have, and I always will.

I got a somewhat appropriate card. It says all the necessary things. As I stood in this crowded, busy store filled with Father’s Day Shoppers, I couldn’t help but ache for her parents. If I am standing there, having flashes of memories of Julie growing up, what must they be feeling and thinking. I finally got the card and decided that I would also include a letter. I want them to know that I, her childhood friend, have not forgotten her. She helped me grow into the person I am, and the person I will continue to evolve into.

I find myself so angry at Julie sometimes. When she was in a good place, she was never self-centered. She always thought of others and put their needs first. I am only able to assume (Her parents haven’t been ready to face talking with me yet, and I completely respect and understand that.) that she wasn’t in a good place. I had thought she was. I’m left to wonder what happened on Mother’s Day. She suffered so much with her illness. I was under the impression that things were fairly smooth in her life. Obviously, I was wrong. She hid the start of her downward spirals well. It was at the end of each spiral that she couldn’t control it. She never would ask for help at the beginning, and it left her feeling isolated and alone. She fought so well, tried so hard to survive all this. She never believed me when I told her how brave I found her.

The world is a slightly less wonderful place without that beautiful creature in it. Those who knew her, they find it a much dimmer place. I would give so much to be able to put my arms around her one more time and tell her how much I love her and how brave and beautiful she is. I am so blessed to have known her and so thankful I had time with her. Maybe now she knows how special she really was, and how much we all loved her. I just hope she finds a way to let us all find peace without her…….most especially her family. I had a dream about 2 years ago. It revolved around her sister’s wedding. Julie and her sister were highly competative growing up, and they had really gotten close in the past few years. We were all so excited about this. In this dream, she participated heavily in the wedding, and was the life of the event, yet never overshadowing her sister. I woke up that morning almost hysterical, somehow convinced she was gone. I called everyone, trying to reach her. I finally got through to her, and she just listened as I cried. She never lied, she admitted that she had recently been thinking about it. I fully expected to hear the news right after Katrina hit the coast. Her family was lucky. While they lost all that was there, they all were safe. However Julie never handled change well. It always sent her into a spiral. When she seemed to be doing ok, I was cautiously hopeful. When I finally got that phone call that I had been dreading for 16 years, somehow,  I already knew. There wasn’t much surprise, just devestation.

I don’t know how to be strong for her parents when I finally talk to them. It will be extremely painful for us all. However, they will never, ever doubt how much I love her, and how much I miss her every day. They will never think I have moved on or that I have forgotten her. 

I hurt my knee Wed evening. Fortunately, I had already done my 2.5 mile walk for the day. I spent most of yesterday with it under a heating pad. I was unsure if I would be able to do my walk, and was pretty sure I wouldn’t be doing the 3 miles I was hoping.

All I will say about yesterday is it was mentally and emotionally exhausting. I thought I lost a good friend, but maybe not.

The song holds true for me……tequila really does make my clothes fall off.   You can also add headache, truth serum, and nausea to my list of reactions. Oh, and too loud according to AJ.

I did manage to walk 2 miles though. I am beginning (slowly) to see my energy level increase. That’s good because I am not getting the sleep I need. The cycle should hit soon where I either totally stop sleeping, or I collapse.

I am supposed to be leaving for a quick trip to Houston any minute. I am tired and hungover. I should be just full of fun for my companions.  

I can’t help but find it adorable that the first word’s out of the boy’s mouth when he got up from nap were, "Where’s my Tor Tor?"